Right Handed Yellow Gloves

Hi Mom.  Just checking in to let you know that I thought about you a ton today...so many different reasons, so many different times.  I was trying to do some cleaning which is quite challenging with your two littlest monkeys around.  It's like "brushing your teeth while eating Oreo's" to quote Auntie Karin!  I was able to get quite a bit done but I kept thinking about all the times I was "cleaning" but really I was talking to you!  You were always my best procrastination pal!
Then when I was cleaning up from lunch, I needed new yellow gloves so I opened the drawer and found 2 right handed gloves and started to cry.  Who am I going to give my right handed gloves to now?  I still think it's funny how you always wore out the right and I wore out the left.  A perfect pair!
After I finally had a chance to clean the living room, the boys and I decorated a bit.  We put up some of your Easter decorations along with the few that we had.  They just love the "rockin' down" tree!  I wonder if Eli would remember that tree.  He was the one who coined the phrase "rockin' down"  and "na-night...wakin'"...probably about when he was Logan's age.  Boy how quickly time has past!
In addition to general cleaning, I was cleaning out today too.  Another one of our favorite past-times.  Well, actually, now that I think about it...I can't think of anything we didn't enjoy doing together.  Anyway, I have two bags and a box ready for donation next Saturday; 2 boxes of clothes, Rocky the rocking dog, and pewi for Jonah; 1 bag of maternity clothes for my friend Caitlin that teaches barre; the space saver high chair for Kerry Friel; one of the double strollers is going back to Kerri Vickers for a friend of hers; the 4 black tea light lanterns for Aunt Donna; and another 2 boxes of baby things to either donate or pass on to Emily for her cousin.  With all that we donate throughout the year, I am amazed that we still have all of this stuff!!  I am pretty excited about cleaning it all out and Bruce thought that was cute.
In other news, we've been having a hard time with Evan lately.  We've all been yelling, arguing, fighting, over-reacting and crying way too much!  I try to stay calm and patient but I have been failing...just failing...at it.  He is just so sensitive about every little thing right now...but then again, so am I.  I could really use some strength to love him more and yell at him less!  Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Well it's getting late and I've been going since about 7:30 this morning when Logan woke up and then got sick in our bed because he was coughing so much so I think I'm gonna call it a night.  What I wouldn't give to pick up the phone and hear your voice...I love you!

Oh just one more thing before I go...Dad bought me the same card this year for my birthday that you bought me (I think) last year for my birthday...You taught him well!  Love you!

The photos are a little fuzzy...but you get the idea.

Empty Spaces

Hi Mom.  It's me.  I'm just checking in to say "Hi!"  I'm having a bit of a rough day today...missing you terribly.  I took down your cards today and now there is just an empty space where they once were.  Kind of like the empty feeling that I have without you here.  I know you are still with me in my heart and in my memories but it's just not the same.

I find that the days I expect to be hard, like yesterday, aren't but the days that I don't expect to be hard, are.  It's such a roller coaster.  There are so many things that I want to tell you but then I try and I can't find the words or remember what it was.

Today while I was having lunch with the boys, I just started to cry.  We were having grilled cheese sandwiches on white/italian bread and it reminded me of you.  Simple things like memories of grilled cheese sandwiches bring a smile to my face and a tear to my cheek.  Logan came right over and gave me a big, long hug.  He has been really sweet and sensitive when he knows I am sad.  Evan asked why I was crying and I told him that I am missing you and that I wish I could pick up the phone and call you.  He said "You know what I wish, Mom?  I wish that Papa and Gramma were together."  Me too, buddy, me too!

I wish you were in Florida with Dad, enjoying a nice visit with Uncle Rick and Aunt Donna.  I know they are all missing you and I am glad that they are there together.  I wish you were there so that I didn't have to worry so much.  I talked to Dad every day for 70 days and on the 70th day, when I didn't think I was going to talk to him, I was really upset.  I ended up talking to him that night and it made it easier the next day when I didn't talk to him (at least on the phone, we chatted on Facebook).  I know he is doing ok but I still worry about him.  I remembered you busting my chops about not coming to visit you when you were in the hospital for those 3 days just after Christmas.  I remembered you saying that Dan came to visit "because he cares".  I know you were only joking and that both you and Dad know how much I care and love you.

I wish you could talk to Logan and he could tell you about his new sneakers.  They aren't anything super special, no lights, no super heroes, but he is excited about them and they are fast!  I wish you could hear him talk and be amazed like I am at how much he has changed since Christmas.  It is unbelievable.  He sits at the dining room table with us now, not in his high chair but just in a regular chair with a booster.  He's getting so big.

I wish you could talk to Evan and listen to his amazing stories where he uses his imagination to think of so many interesting adventures.  I wish you could see how excited he is about his new Big Papi shirt.  I wish you could see some of the drawings Evan does and how well he is writing his letters.  I wish you could see him try to sound out words and begin to read.  I wish you could see how well Evan and Logan have been getting along and how nicely they have been playing together.  They are just so special.

Most of all I wish that I could hear your voice and that you could listen to all that I want to tell you.  All the things about finishing my Master's and the mix up with my registration for one of my courses.  I wish I could tell you about my data analysis and what I learned in excel as I was doing it.  I wish I could tell you about going back to boot camp.  I was supposed to go last Monday but I just couldn't.  I had told myself for weeks that after Florida would be the time but putting one foot in front of the other was so hard last week.  But I am going back tomorrow.  I have to do it for me...for you.  I wish I could tell you all about Bruce's job search and opportunities and how things are with us.

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am that I wasn't more supportive when Gramma died.  I know she had been sick and that her life was quite restricted and that it probably was for the best.  But now I understand better what it feels like to lose your Mom and that it isn't easy at any age.  I know our relationship is different than yours was with her but I still don't feel like I was supportive enough.  For that I am sorry.

And then all of the little things that don't really matter too much in the grand scheme of things but the things that I would tell you...about my races, getting together with friends...just the little things.

But I guess that is what I am doing by writing though, right?  I am talking to you in the only way I know how right now.  I wish I could know for sure that you are ok.  That you can breathe.  That you can see us and watch out for us.  I wish I could know for sure that I will see you again someday and that I will hear your voice and see your smile.  I wish...I wish...I wish...you were still here.  I love you!

Our Last Night

Hi mom. It's me. We haven't "spoken" since last Friday. I've been thinking about you, taking about you and missing you a ton. Dad and I just moved the boys out to the living room for the last time on this trip. That has worked out so well!

We had a great visit with Dad and were able to stay a few extra days due to bad weather in NJ. I know you would have been so excited to have 2 extra days with the boys!

It is really tough to leave this year. I always hate going home, leaving you guys in FL and getting back to the real world but even more so this year. I've been telling myself for a month that after Florida, I'll get back on track, back into a routine and moving forward. But just looking at the calendar tonight for next week was so over whelming! I know it's something that I need to do, I'm just not sure I can right now.

I went shopping yesterday after Bruce, the boys and I went to Perkins for lunch. Spent about 2 hours at Beall's. I missed you. I kept hearing you say "Let me hold that for you." I bought a couple of cute things... Things that will hopefully help motivate me to get back in shape.

After Beall's, I went to Anthony's to return the bathing suit bottom that you bought in November. That was hard... Really hard to do. I would so much rather have seen you wear it to the pool. Even just being in Anthony's without you was tough. I know how much you loved it there and how you liked their clothes.

I could go on and on and on but it's getting late and we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I wish so much that you were here with us this trip. Not just in our minds and hearts but really here. I'll love you forever! Good night!