The Doc Is In!

Today we celebrated the 4th birthday of one of the sweetest little girls we know, Annalia.  It was a Doc McStuffins party complete with make your own stethoscope and doctor's coat (both such adorable ideas...courtesy of Pintrest!)as well as pin the bandaid on Stuffy, a pinata and other fun games.  Lia was so excited about each and every one of her gifts!  Happy birthday, sweetie!

January or Juno??

I made the mistake last week of telling my Dad that I had heard on the news that Worcester had only had 9 inches of snow so far for this winter instead of the average of about 36 inches.  Well, that all changed yesterday! Over the last couple of days, Worcester got more snow than it ever has on record before in one storm...34.5 inches.  Guess we are up to and beyond that average now!!  There is so much snow that it is hard for the boys to even play in but we did get out to enjoy it for a little while today.

Logan's First Selfie

Logan has started taking photos of all sorts of random things, just like Evan did when he was Logan's age.  He still needs to learn where to hold the camera so that his fingers aren't in front of the lens but he did manage to get it right on this one.

How you doin'?

New Reality - One Tough Day for Every "Good" Day

I knew it was going to hit me and hit me hard, I just didn't know when.

The days before Mom passed were long and hard, filled with worry, tears, heartache and sadness. Strangely enough, however, the days after weren't as hard as I expected them to be.  We made the arrangements for Mom's funeral rather quickly and for the next few days we were fully in planning and organizing mode.  The day of the funeral came and I was dreading it.  I had visions of myself being a total mess all day.  Instead, I was overcome with such love and support that I could never have imagined.  So, so many people came to pay their respects to Mom and to express their sympathy to us.  Childhood friends, former co-workers, extended family, in-laws, high school and college friends, family and life long friends.  It was amazing to see and experience such love!  Everyone telling stories of Mom or saying how sweet, kind, beautiful, loving, caring...the list goes on and on...she was.  It really made the day much easier than I expected it to be.  Even Sunday and Monday, after the service, after we'd said goodbye for the last time, were easier than I expected.  We watched the Patriots win the AFC championship game together at Dan and Karin's on Sunday.  Then Monday, I helped Dad sort through some bills, receipts and paperwork, before having late lunch with Dan.  We were all together, remembering, crying, laughing and smiling.

Then it came...Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday....  Things were returning to "normal".  People were heading back to work and school, there was nothing left to plan, life was moving on.  No way!  Not in my book!  How could I be expected to just pick up and move on?  No one was asking me to pretend that this was all just a bad dream, although I wish it was, but it was time to start moving forward a little bit and accepting this "new reality".  Well it sucked!  I spent much of last week in a fog.  Wandering around aimlessly, having so many things to do but not being able to accomplish any of them.  Simple tasks were seemingly impossible.  I was still experiencing a huge outpouring of love from so many people which helped but the days and nights were quite challenging.  

After spending part or all of everyday for nearly three weeks in Rhode Island with Mom, Dad and Dan, I was home with the boys and Leni on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday was Leni's last day in MA so I went to RI to help Dad a bit more without distractions.  Just being with Dad helped me so much.  There are times when I'm not sure if we are good or bad for each other because we are both missing Mom so much but I also know that's just what we need right now.  He's the closest thing I have to Mom right now so I'm holding on tightly!

Thursday night when Bruce took Leni to the airport was extremely difficult for me.  Leni had been here for two weeks and was a godsend!  She took care of so many things...cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing...Not to mention taking such great care of Evan and Logan in our absence.  I don't know what we would have done without her help.  But now that she was heading home to WA, it was like the last thing that was returning to "normal".  

Friday was ok.  Evan had school and Bruce dropped him off so I could have time to get the day started a bit slower.  When I picked him up, we headed to Papa & Gramma's house for the afternoon and evening.  We had a nice visit with Glenn and I think it helped Papa to have the boys there for a while.  

The weekend was tough again.   With a to-do list miles long and an inability to focus on anything, the time slipped away.  I was missing Mom so much and just couldn't bring myself to continue as if nothing had changed.  

Monday, Mom's birthday, was easier again.  Dad came up to help out with the boys so that I could attend Evan's teacher conferences.  In the afternoon, I helped Dad with some online banking, something that is totally new to him.  Monday would have been Mom's 63rd birthday and while I was sad that she wasn't there with us, the day wasn't as hard as I would have thought it would be.  

I guess that is the lesson in all of this.  There will be good times and bad, there will be happy times and sad.  Day by day, step by step, we will all find a way to carry on.  We will never quite be whole but we will never forget for one minute the love that we shared.  

Ladybugs and Nothing to Say

I have never really solidified my thoughts on the afterlife.  I don't really know what I believe on what happens when people leave this world as we know it.  For obvious reasons, I have been giving it more thought as of late and I can honestly say that I haven't been able to come to any conclusions.  I would like to believe that our loved ones can see us and hear us and that they are smiling down with pride and that we will all be together again but I can't be totally sure.  However, there are a few things of which I am sure...Kind of.

Ladybugs!
My mom loved ladybugs.  I have vivid memories of her getting excited when she found a ladybug and watching them crawl over her hands with perfectly painted pink fingernails for long periods of time.  I remember Mom telling me how they tickled her and then gently transferring the ladybug to my hand.
In the past two weeks, the ladybugs who live in our house have been quite active.  I know it is rare to see a ladybug at this time of year but we have some who "move in" on unseasonably warm days in late fall and generally hibernate (yes, ladybugs do hibernate. Curious George taught me that!) in the high corners of the stairwell heading upstairs.  However, in the past two weeks, our ladybugs have been all over.
The first one I noticed on Saturday, January 17th.  I went to the phone to call Dad to check in before heading down to RI to pick him up for Mom's funeral service.  Sitting on top of the phone was a ladybug.  I gently removed it from the phone, made the call and didn't think anything of it.
The next one I noticed on Tuesday, January 20th.  This was the first day of this "new reality".  Until now, we had been in business mode - spending time at the hospital for two weeks, making arrangements for Mom's funeral, greeting visitors, organizing gatherings, etc.  But Tuesday everyone was returning to work, school, etc and we were all moving on...sort of.  I had a very difficult day and when I sat down on the couch that night alone to watch TV, I found that I wasn't alone.  There was a ladybug crawling on the arm of the couch to my right, up and down, up and down.  Then it went across the back of the couch to a pillow on my left and just hung out there for a while.  I began to think of Mom and her love of ladybugs and found myself wondering if this was her coming back to check up on me and let me know she is here.
The third one I noticed on Wednesday, January 21st, one week after Mom passed away.  This time the ladybug was hanging out on the windowsill in my bathroom upstairs while I was doing my makeup and drying my hair.  It was then that I really began to feel that yes, this was Mom's way of letting me know that she is OK and is still all around us.
Since then I have seen ladybugs on windowsills, tables, couches, etc.  All around in the house when they typically stay put in the corners of the stairwell until the weather is warm.  Can I be sure that this has something to do with Mom?  No.  But does it make it easier to deal with losing her and missing her so?  Yes!

Nothing to Say
Mom and I could talk on the phone for hours...literally hours and then get off the phone, remember things we forgot to say, call each other back and talk some more.  We sometimes would call back 2 or 3 times and then not call back again even though we remembered something else we wanted to say because we had already talked so long.  Plus, we knew that we'd talk again soon...more than likely, the next day!  We talked on the phone so much that every time the phone rang or if I grabbed the phone or  if Logan saw the phone on the couch or table, he'd say, "I want to talk to Gramma".
I have been finding it hard not being able to pick up the phone and call Mom whenever I want to.  Logan has even asked a few times to call Gramma.  Oh, how I wish we could, buddy!  I have so much I want to tell her!  Or do I??
People have been telling me that I can still talk to her, it's not quite the same, but that Mom is there and can hear me.  So I have tried but I find myself with nothing to say.  How can that be?  How can it be that I could talk to her for over an hour, call back 2-3 times, talk for another 30+ minutes, repeat it again day after day and always have something to say?  And yet, I haven't spoken with her since January 3rd and I have nothing to say?
I've tried to think of stories to tell her about what the boys are doing or cute things they have said and I come up virtually blank.   I try to think about all the things that have been going on here and...nothing!
Is it because she already knows what is going on here?  Does she already hear and see the cute things the boys see and do?  Again, I can't be sure but I sure hope that she can!  Mom loved Evan, Logan, Danny and Sean so much that I sure hope she can continue to watch them grow and learn and achieve as they get older.
So maybe with time, I will be able to talk to Mom more and have things to tell her.  But maybe I don't really need to because she already knows...

While I am not exactly sure where Mom is or whether or not she can hear me or see what we are doing, this I do know for sure.  I am so thankful for the time that I had with her and appreciate all of the things that she taught me during that time.  I am so proud of who she was and the woman I have become because of her.  I am glad that when I look in the mirror or see photos of me, I also see her.  I know that she is the best friend I will ever have and that we will always be "girls are girls".

The Definition of Strength

Miriam Webster defines strength as “the quality or state of being physically strong; the ability to resist being moved or broken by a force; the power to resist attack”.  Well, I hate to tell you, Webster, but you’re wrong.

The definition of strength is a wife who loved her husband with every fiber of her being; a wife who was devoted and dedicated in a way that was truly genuine; a wife who never came to expect anything from her husband, even though everyone knew he would go to the moon and back for her.  The definition of strength is a wife who while working part-time always made sure things were “just so” at home, took care of all of the banking, laundry, ironing, and cleaning, among other things, knowing that her husband was working so hard to provide for their family.  The definition of strength is a wife who had big dreams for the life she would make with her husband and accomplished them all.

The definition of strength is a mother who attended countless little league and softball games, scouting events, dance and gymnastics recitals, and mother-son bowling nights; a mother who taught her children so much just by living and being the kind, gentle, loving person that she was; a mother who always listened to her children, especially her daughter, ramble on and on and on about who knows what and always making them feel like whatever they had to say was the most important thing in the world.  (Having two young children of my own, I know first hand how difficult this can be at times.)  The definition of strength is a mother who was always there to help in any way she could with advice, a helping hand, or a shoulder to cry on, from the time her children were born, right up until they were in their mid-thirties. The definition of strength is a mother who welcomed the spouses of her children with an open heart and always treated them and loved them as if they were her own. 

The definition of strength is a Gramma who loved her four little monkeys more than they will ever realize; a Gramma who played board games and card games with her grandsons and let them cheat and win; a Gramma who kissed and hugged her grandsons as much and as often as they would allow; a Gramma who pitched batting practice and blew bubbles and enjoyed the pool in the backyard before having squeeze pops with those boys; a Gramma who attended school related and other important events and was so proud of her grandsons for all they have already learned and accomplished in their short lives.  The definition of strength is a Gramma whose passion and legacy will live on in the lives and hearts of those grandsons.   

The definition of strength is a daughter who made her parents so proud of all of her accomplishments in school, in her career, as a caring and loving wife and mother; a daughter who while watching her own mother struggle with emphysema, fought harder and harder to live the life she always wanted; a daughter who took special care of her father after her mother had passed, always calling to check-in, taking him out to eat, inviting him over for time with family and having him visit in Fort Myers, a place that her parents loved so much.  

The definition of strength is a sister who always cared for her three younger brothers in the best way she knew how; leaving enough food on her own plate to give them a little extra at meal time; having a unique and special relationship with each of them based on their own personalities; sharing many family vacations and special times with them and their own families as adults.  The definition of strength is a sister “in-law” who welcomed every new person into the family with such a sense of belonging and grace.  The definition of strength is an aunt who always had a beautiful smile, an ear to listen and arms to hug her nieces and nephews, letting them know that she would always be there for whatever they might need.

The definition of strength is a friend who loved spending time with the special people in her life – grabbing lunch or dinner at a favorite restaurant, going on double dates to PC basketball games, having couples nights with the girls from the bank, going to the casino on bonus points days and nights, climbing multiple flights of stairs to spend time with friends, taking her time and going slowly but never complaining about a single step; walking the length of the mall and shopping with her little girl just to get some time as “girls are girls”.  The definition of strength is a friend who always knew when to call and what to say for any situation, regardless of how much time may have passed.  A friend who never judged but rather accepted people just as they are and loved each friend in a special way. 

The definition of strength is a woman who always put others needs ahead of her own – holding the door for perfect strangers; offering up her seat to anyone nearby; taking care of everyone of her customers at the bank in a way that met the customers needs, not necessarily the “sales” goals.  The definition of strength is a woman who never wanted to be the center of attention but who had so much love, class, grace, patience, courage, compassion, and beauty that she could light up a room with just her smile.  The definition of strength is a woman who never let others know about the fight she was fighting and how hard it was for her to breathe but who woke everyday, ready to face the day, always 110% beautifully together, right down to her pink or red finger nails. 

The definition of strength is a woman who never ever complained or pitied herself for having pulmonary hypertension but rather lived her life as fully as she could, always inspiring her doctors to work harder to help her because of the beautiful person she was. The definition of strength is a woman, whose doctors and nurses worked tirelessly, around the clock, searching for answers because they could feel the love that her family had for her and from that love knew what an amazing person she was.   The definition of strength is a woman who even at the very end of her life showed enough fight and determination to allow her family to get a decent night’s rest knowing they were in for a long few days. 

The definition of strength is Deborah Louise Kavanagh. 

I love you, Mom!  Thank you for fighting so hard, for so long, and for having such amazing strength to do it all so beautifully and effortlessly!  Thank you for being my best friend!

The Hardest Days

2014 was a rough year for us and I was ready to greet 2015 with a new attitude and outlook in so many ways.  On New Years Eve, I took an online quiz to get "my mantra" for 2015.  It was "I am here".  I had a blog post developing in my head about all of the lessons I had learned in 2014 and how I wanted to be moving forward.  That post has become quite blurry because of all that has happened in the last 18 days.

On December 27th, about 12 hours before my parents were scheduled to head back to Florida for the winter, my Mom was admitted to the hospital.  She and my Dad had spent the day at the walk-in clinic because she was coughing a lot and having trouble breathing.  That night, still not feeling better, she asked my dad to call the rescue.  Mom was admitted late Saturday night/early Sunday morning but was sent home on Tuesday.  I spoke with her Tuesday morning just before she left the hospital and she sounded great!

I knew she was going home and didn't want to bother her or make her talk and cough too much so I didn't call Tuesday afternoon.  I called on Wednesday to check in and Mom didn't sound good.  She was having trouble talking much without coughing so I kept the conversation short.  Wednesday was New Year's Eve and we were heading to Dan and Karin's to ring in the new year.  My plan was to swing in and see Mom and Dad sometime on New Year's Day before heading home.

New Year's Day, while at Dan and Karin's, the phone rang around 10:30 am.  It was Dad.  He was taking Mom back to the hospital.  More of the same.  Coughing a lot and having difficulty breathing.  Once she had been admitted to a room in Jane Brown, I went to the hospital to see her.  She was doing ok, not great, but ok.  I had seen her much worse.

Friday, early afternoon, I called my Dad to check in.  He was on his way to Dr. Drogin.  He wasn't feeling well either and Mom was supposed to have a follow up appointment after her first hospitalization to get the "OK" to go to Florida, so Dad took Mom's appointment.  That evening around 4:30, Dan called me and said that Dad had been taken to the hospital in a rescue from CVS where he passed out while waiting for prescriptions.  WOW...2015 was off to a stellar start and we were only 36 hours in!!

I immediately got in the car to go to RI Hospital.  I wasn't sure where Dad would be so I started in Mom's room.  She said "What are you doing here? Did you talk to Dad?"  I said, "No, did you? He's here."  I explained what I knew at that point and was able to get my Dad on the phone to talk to Mom.  It turned out that Dad was dehydrated and hadn't been eating, drinking and sleeping well because he was taking care of Mom and trying to get ready for Florida.  Doing too much!  The doctor's decided to keep Dad overnight for observation and we were able to reassure Mom that he was OK.

Saturday, I went to the hospital to visit both Mom and Dad.  Dad had been diagnosed with the flu and was resting when I stopped in.  Mom was having more difficulty breathing than she had been on Thursday or Friday and asked for the oxygen cannula.  Dan and I left around 3:30 and had I known what was to come, I never would have left!

My original plan was to go back to Mom and Dad's house, see Bruce and the boys, grab some dinner and than stop back in to see Mom and Dad before heading home for the night.  The weather was getting a little nasty with snow and freezing rain so rather than stick around, we decided to head home.  I called both Mom and Dad in their rooms to let them know that we were going to head home but that we would be back in the morning.

At 8:30 Sunday morning, Dan called me to let me know that early Sunday morning (sometime between 5 and 7), Mom was having such difficulty breathing that she had to be intubated and moved to ICU.  My Dad heard the code blue (respiratory arrest or cardiac arrest) and knew it was Mom.  This began what was to be a very long 11 days.

Dad was kept in the hospital for an extra day, mostly because of what was going on with Mom.  The doctors wanted to make sure he was eating, drinking, getting enough fluid, etc so that he didn't have any more complications.  Dan and I gathered as much information as we could on Sunday and kept Dad informed of what was happening to the best of our ability.  Dad was released on Monday and the three of us spent the better parts of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in the waiting room on the 4th floor of the hospital.

Wednesday afternoon, after dropping Dad at home, I stopped at the hospital to see Mom again before heading home.  I just needed to sit with her, to let her know that she wasn't alone, to make sure that she wasn't afraid, just to be there like she had always been there for me.  Mom was pretty sedated but would shake her head "yes" or "no" in response to questions.  She seemed to know that we were there a little bit.  Dad and Dan had a good visit with Mom on Wednesday night.  She opened her eyes a little and smiled a bit when they were talking to her.  She gave us some hope that maybe we were turning the corner, that she could come off of the ventilator and that she was getting stronger.  Her heart function had improved from what it was earlier in the week, her BP, HR, blood oxygen, etc were all stabilizing.

The doctors were a bit stumped as to why they weren't able to turn down the ventilator enough and take the tube out.  They thought maybe she was anxious and nervous or scared so they tried to sedate her enough to remove the anxiety.  After three days of waiting, it was clear that maybe Mom just needed more time to get stronger.  The doctors began treating her for acute bronchitis hoping that they could open her airways enough to get her to breath on her own more.

Monday and Tuesday were full of ups and downs.  Periods where Mom was stable followed by periods where Mom's heart rate and blood pressure were all over the place.  Dan called me around midnight Tuesday morning and said "Mom's not doing well, you need to get here."  Bruce and I left immediately.  It was a long, stressful, scary day for all of us but by the end of the day, Mom's body seemed to be responding well to the nitrous oxide so we all went home to rest.  

Wednesday morning, around 7:30, Dad called.  Mom's blood pressure and heart rate were all over the place again.  After meeting with the doctors Wednesday morning, we knew the end was near.  At 11:40 am, Wednesday, January 14th, Mom peacefully took her last breath.

We said goodbye to a beautiful lady who fought so long and so hard without ever once complaining.  We are going to miss her so much and will never quite be whole again.  I love you, Mom!