Excellent Effort Award

(Posted 1/28/16)

Today Logan and I went to Evan's school for a ceremony for all of the students who received the Excellent Effort Award for the month of November.  Each month every classroom teacher chooses a student from the classroom who has displayed excellent effort over the course of the month.  These students are recognized with a short ceremony and are presented with a certificate.  Evan was the chosen student for Ms. Paluses class for the month of November.  He was the first boy chosen in his class and he was pretty proud of his award.  We are proud of you too, pal!  I have a feeling that this is the first of many academic awards you will receive throughout your lifetime.  Keep up the good work, kiddo.  Keep working hard...Oh, the places you'll go!

The Night Before Kindergarten

Dear Evan,
I just kissed you good night and tucked you in to bed for the last time before you start kindergarten tomorrow.  Tomorrow!!!  How can that be?  The last five years have flown by, kiddo, but you are ready.  You are definitely ready.  It's me who isn't!  I am so excited for this journey that you are about to begin but part of me is a little sad too.  I'm going to miss you!  We've been fortunate to have had the last five years together...I'd even go as far as to say that we've been spoiled but I have enjoyed it immensely.  Sure there have been moments that I'd like to forget (this morning's incident at Dunkin Donuts even) but overall it's the good times, the happy times that I remember most.
I remember the day you were born and the moment I held you in my arms for the first time and decided that you looked like "an Evan".  I remember all the silly faces and noises you used to make when you were just an infant.  I remember when you learned to sit up and we would play together on the floor for hours.  I remember when you learned to crawl just before we went to see Papa & Gramma in Florida and you demonstrated your crawling on all fours technique.  I remember when you started to walk shortly after you turned one which I was quite glad about because I didn't want you to be crawling with shorts on during the summer.  All of that was just in the first year of your life!!
There are so many amazing moments from the next four years too. Like when you started talking and it seemed as though you had a new word or two or three everyday.  (You pretty much haven't stopped since!  Just like momma!) Or all of the adventures we went on together...to the zoo, to the playground, for walks on the bike path, to Papa & Gramma's house, to Washington for Christmas with Omi and Grandpa.  So many events both big and small.  Meeting your brother for the first time and how you seemed to grow up almost overnight.  Beginning preschool and going out into the big wide world for the first time on your own.  Learning to ride your bike almost effortlessly after riding the balance bike for a couple of years.  Learning to swim in Papa & Gramma's pool this summer...Gramma would be so proud!
And now, my dear child, you are about to embark on your next big adventure.  I can't wait to experience school again through your eyes.  The love you have for learning is amazing.  I hope you never lose it!  I hope that you make some wonderful friends.  Friends with whom you will travel through school and hopefully have some life-long friendships as a result.  I hope that you have great teachers.  Teachers who challenge you and understand what makes you tick.  Teachers who help you to find your way in this world and who are good role models for you.  But most of all, I hope you know just how proud Daddy and I are of you already and how much we love you!  You can't measure it, I can't explain it but trust me when I say that I feel as though my heart will burst sometimes from all the love that I have for you!  You are going to do amazing things and become a young man that makes us proud...always!!  Never forget that!  "Kid, you'll move mountains!  You're off to great places.  Today is your day!  Your mountain is waiting so...get on your way!!"  I hope you have a wonderful first day of kindergarten, pal!  I love you so much!
Love always,
Mom.

Good Night, My Two-Year Old!

Dear Logan,
I just kissed you good-night for the last time as a two year old!  It is hard to believe that tomorrow you will be three!  Where has the time gone?!?!  I feel like I just wrote your two-year old letter...well, maybe because I did!  I promise to try to do better from here on in.  I can't promise that I will be perfect but I will certainly do the best that I can for you...always!
Three years ago today, I spent the day with Evan at Southwick's Zoo.  It was a beautiful day and the last time that I was the mother of just one little guy.  I can't believe how much our life has changed in the last three years and how much love you have brought to our family.
You are so full of love, life and spunk.  Always smiling and being super silly while at times stubborn and stern.  I love the little person that you are becoming.  So smart and sweet, always with a big hug and kiss that could make anyone's heart smile, especially mine.  I love coming home from a workout, tutoring or a 5 minute run to the store to be greeted by you with a great big smile, hug and kiss.  You always act as if I've been gone for hours and like you missed me beyond belief.  It makes this Momma feel very special and quite loved.
You love your time with Daddy and Evan doing boy things.  Riding the tractor, watching shuttle launches, building with Legos and getting dirty.  While you love pushing Evan's buttons, (and you know exactly where they ALL are!), you also love playing together and are such good friends.  I hope that never changes.  You truly believe that you can do anything that he can do...from the "flying squirrel" at Chris & Erin's wedding to swimming in Papa & Gramma's pool without your Sharky to climbing the rock ledge behind our house.  No one is going to tell you "No" or hold you back.  I love the confidence that you have and hope you never lose it.
Today, we spent the (rather windy) day at the beach and I loved watching you and Evan play in the sand together.  I am trying to hold on to these moments, especially this summer, before Evan starts Kindergarten and you start pre-school in just a few weeks.  You are going to miss your best buddy while he's at school and I am going to miss you both.  5 hours all to myself...what will I do???  Probably just think about you and Evan the whole time.
Tonight as I was putting you to bed, you gave me a great big hug and kiss and said "Thanks for being my best pal today!"  And then when I started to cry, you had more kisses and hugs for me.  It makes me sad to know that you will be 3 tomorrow because Gramma never knew you as a 3 year old.  You have changed so much this year and I just know how much joy she would have had in watching you learn, grow and change.  She would be so proud of you for so many reasons, just as we all are.  I love you, little buddy!  Happy birthday, pal!  (One day early!  Woohoo!  Go me!)
Love always,
Mom

Unexpected Pool Day

In an effort to get back to blogging...(you gotta start somewhere, right??)...Most of the posts from July 2014 until today are (hopefully going to be) post-dated.  I really enjoy updating our readers on the lives of these two sweet boys but can't always find the time to do so.
So anyway, in an effort to get back to blogging...today we had an unexpected pool day at Papa & Gramma's house.  I brought the boys down to see Papa, expecting to just play in the yard and in the house but Papa surprised us by having the pool open.  Good thing he also had some spare bathing suits for the boys.  They braved the chilly 67 degree water and were the first ones in for the 2015 season.  They had fun re-exploring all of the pool toys and throwing EVERYTHING in the water!  Papa has been working very hard in the yard (which looks beautiful) to get everything ready for summer.  Great job, Papa!  You sure made these little guys day today!  It was a nice day despite everyone missing one very special Gramma!  It's just not the same without you, Mom!  We all love you so much!

Happy Mother's Day!

Hi Mom!  It's me.  I haven't "talked" to you in a while but I couldn't let Mother's Day pass without wishing you a Happy Mother's Day.  Oh, Mom, I miss you so much!  There is so much I want to say, so much to tell you but I can't seem to find the words.
We've been really busy this last month, not too busy for you, never too busy for you, but it seems like things never slow down.  And when they do, I just crash.  I finished my thesis and portfolio.  I have graduation coming up on Friday.  It seems a bit like cheating because I still have one class to take this summer but I'm still going to participate in the ceremony.  Dad is going to come up, maybe Dan and Karin too.  I wish that you were going to be there too.  I know how proud you would be.
Dad has been home for one week.  He drove 15 hours and 1200 miles last Saturday and made it to Edgewood, Maryland.  Isn't that crazy?  He was home before noon time on Sunday so he was able to see Dan before Dan left for Chicago.  We saw Dad on Wednesday when we had a bit of an early birthday celebration for Evan with Bob and Leni.  It is bittersweet to have Dad home.  It's great to see him but having him home without you is really hard.
Evan has started riding a two wheel bike without training wheels.  He went right from the balance bike onto the two wheeler basically on the first day he tried it.  He needed help getting started for the first day.  Used a paint can to push off on the second day and then was off and riding all on his own later that day.  He is so proud of himself...And I am too.  You should see how he beams when he's riding.  He loves it!
Evan also started t-ball at the end of April.  The first day of practice it was 40 degrees and rainy and snowy...just beautiful t-ball weather.  But we've had much nicer weather since the beginning of May...almost summer like.  I hope it will be a good pool summer but know that the empty chair by the pool is going to be so, so tough.
Logan is...well Logan!  He started "riding" the balance bike and yells, "I'm doing it, I'm doing it, Evan!" as he rides.  He has also been more and more interested in playing t-ball and even takes some pitches to hit.  Logan has been getting a bit more interested in using the potty.  Bruce and I haven't really pushed it but Evan has been helping him and it's so cute!  Logan actually kicks me out of the bathroom and will do it on his own or with Evan's help.  He's really growing up so quickly.
Bruce and I are doing ok.  Bruce had a phone interview last week with a new company and he is pretty excited about the job so hopefully that will work out.  We had a nice visit with Bob and Leni last week and the boys loved having them here!  Bob and Bruce got quite a bit of work done in the yard where we had that land cleared.  I think it is going to be really nice once it's done.
There so much more I want to say...all the little things...new bedding, new boot camps, jamberry's, Amanda's dad, Amanda's new baby, the end of Evan's school year - field trips, parties and graduation, meeting some Millbury people through t-ball, offering to host the end of the season party like you and Dad always did, Evan's party next weekend with some friends from school, Hopkinton State Park with Jen and the kids, Danny and Sean's sleepover this weekend, running, shopping...oh so many stories.  I miss our talks!  I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you.  I wish you were coming up for Evan's game and a cookout later today.  Oh, Mom, thank you, thank you, thank you...I never said it enough.  I am so thankful for everything you always did for me, for everything you taught me, for the relationship we had, for being "girls are girls"...for you!!  Mother's Day will forever be different for me but I will forever be grateful for all that we had!  I love you!!

One of my favorite photos of Mom and I from Jen and Mike's wedding in 2013

Two peas in a pod...I couldn't be more proud of the woman who gave me life!  Such an amazing mother, wife, daughter, Gramma, sister, friend and woman!  Thank you for being such a wonderful role model!

Evan's 5th Birthday Letter

Dear Evan,
Happy 5th birthday, buddy!  You are asleep in bed and have been for about an hour after a very busy day and week of fun and celebration.  Today we spent the day at the New England Aquarium with Daddy, Logan, Omi and Grandpa Bob.  It was Omi and Grandpa's last day here before heading back to Washington.  After the aquarium and a nap in the car on the way home, we went pretty much straight to your t-ball game.  You say you are having fun playing which I hope you are.  I wish I could see it a little more though.
You are an amazing little boy with a vivid imagination.  You love to learn and are right on the cusp of being able to read.  I think if we worked at it a little bit, you would be reading in no time.  You are a sensitive little boy, sometimes a bit too sensitive when things don't go your way, especially when Logan only wants my help and not yours.  You love to play outside, exploring and riding your bike, which you just learned to do last week!  You love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Raphael is your favorite.  You love to create with Legos and are getting really good at creating your own original things.  I think you'll be conquering that Erector set in no time.  You adore your brother, usually, and are generally very nice to him.  You guys have lots of fun together, especially when you add in Danny and Sean.
This last year was a bit of a stressful one for you and I am seeing that reflected in your sensitivity, anxiety about new situations, and "OCD" habits.  I hope that this is a short phase for you and that you learn to be more confident and comfortable in the amazing little boy that you are.
I know that I am not always as nice or as patient as I could be and want to be...I am working on that though.  Regardless of that, I hope you know just how much Daddy and I love you.  We have high expectations of you because we know what an incredible boy you are.  You are destined for great things!
I am excited for the end of the school year with so many fun things coming up including your birthday party and pre-school graduation.  I am excited for the summer and a little bit sad that you will be starting school in the fall.  I will miss you when you are at school but I am excited to see and learn all that you do, through your eyes.
I hope that you know how special you are to so many people, but especially to Daddy and I.  I hope that you always love to learn and create and imagine wonderful things.  I hope that you continue to grow and achieve and make us proud.  We are so proud of you and couldn't ask for anything more...well maybe a bit better listening sometimes...  :-)
Happy 5th birthday, pal!  I love you to the moon and back!
Love,
Mommy

Logan's Two Year Letter (Almost 9 Months Late)

Dear Logan,

I am writing you this letter for your second birthday but I am writing it almost 9 months late.  I apologize for that but we have been quite busy having lots of fun and I just never got around to it.  But when you consider that you came along about 9 months earlier than we expected you, maybe you could still consider this to be "on time".  Either way, this letter comes with so much love for all that you are, my amazing little guy!

On the night of your birthday party last year, I read "Thumper Finds An Egg" to you before bed.  You were kissing and snuggling every bunny on every page but you wouldn't give Gramma or Grammy kisses before they left the party.  This is quite typical of you, always playing little games and being silly, especially being stingy with your kisses!

While at your party, you wanted to play horseshoes and you just had to be at the post where Evan wanted to be.  Maybe you just wanted to be close to your big brother but more likely you were just pestering him.  This is something that you do quite well.  After all, it is one of the jobs of a little brother!  As the year has gone on, you and Evan have become best buddies but not without arguments and fights.  You are often the instigator and Evan is often the one who overreacts.  I'm hoping that this phase will be short and that you will start to play together without fighting more and more.  

Some other cute things from your party were when you were giving sly looks to Uncle Dan while digging for ice in the cooler.  You would have spent the entire day digging in that thing if we let you.  You were also stealing Papa's seat and telling him "You sit right there", next to you.  Then when it was time for Annalia and Jonah to leave you said "Time get going!"

You have had quite a few adorable sayings and phrases (dursty/thirsty, dunder/thunder, scunscreen/sunscreen) over the last 9 months.  I have kept track of a few of them.  

-On the way home from Sesame Place (8/6), you and I were playing a little "I love you" game.  It went like this.

Mommy: I love you!

Logan: No, I love you!

Mommy: No, I love you!

Logan: No, I love you! (So on and so forth)

Evan: Ok, ok, you both love each other, please stop now

-On the way home from Papa & Gramma's (9/28), I took a drink from my water bottle and you said from the back seat, "Two hands, mommy.  You drive two hands.  You all done drinking now, two hands." When I was done drinking and you still couldn't see the other hand you said "And the other one?  Where the other one?"

-On that same drive home, when I thought you were exhausted (Evan was asleep in the car), you called out from the backseat, "That good coughing, mommy".  I said, "I sneezed" to which you replied "Oh, well that good sneezing then."

-After dropping Evan off at school (9/29), you were running through the grass in your crocs and you said to me "It's raining in my shoe mommy! Other one too!" as the dew was getting through the holes in your crocs.

-While you were watching me put on make-up (10/11), "Why you doing that painting?" as I was applying blush.

- During the Christmas season, on the way up our street everyday, you would ask "Can we see reindeer, and ho-ho and bringer-man?"  You also call the grinch the grunch.

You are becoming quite the silly little man who knows just how to get what he wants.  I love you more and more everyday!

Love always,
Mom.

Evan Loves Logan

I took this picture on May 2, 2013.

It has been framed in Evan's room for almost 2 years.  The other day he drew a copy of it for Logan and gave it to him with this note.  "The circle in the middle is supposed to be a heart, Mom."

Then today, Evan decided that we should frame his drawing so that Logan could put it on his dresser.

Such a sweet little guy who loves his little brother!

At Your House

Hi Mom. It’s me. I’m at your house, sitting in the family room, wearing your Kennebunkport pink sweatshirt. I came here because I need to work on my thesis and portfolio and I thought it would be easier to work here without the distractions of the kids and the internet but it’s not. I’m having trouble getting motivated and staying focused, today and lately. It’s not like me but my mind just keeps wandering, thinking of you. I think of all the things I want to tell you and at the same time can’t think of a single thing. What did we talk about for hours and hours? What were those things that were so important that I just had to tell you? None of it seems important now without you. It was just our thing, our time, our chats. I loved sharing everything with you, even the silly little, unimportant things.
 I feel like there are so many things the boys do now that I don’t notice in quite the same way because I don’t have you to tell them to. Maybe I do notice them but I don’t relay them to anyone so I forget them more quickly. I don’t know quite what it is but I do know that no one cares quite the way you did. I can tell other people but it’s just not the same.
I have so many things that I want to do, that I should do, that I need to do and yet I can’t bring myself to do any of it. I know you would be telling me right now to take it easy, not to be so hard on myself, that it will all get done. I just wish I could hear your voice one more time.
I want to be excited about spring coming. Today is a beautiful day…The kind of day where you would sit in the sun in the backyard in a terry-cloth romper and “take a tan”. I want to be excited about you and Dad spending your last few weeks in Florida before coming home for the summer. I want to be excited about all of the pool days that we will have this summer. But it’s all just so hard. I am so thankful for the time that we did have and for the things we were able to do together but I wish so badly for more…more time, more laughs, more smiles, more special moments with you. I love you and miss you so much!

Two Years Ago

Hi Mom!  It's me.  Just checking in.  It's been a little while since I wrote.  I can hear you say "Are you mad at me?" :-)  Not at all...not ever!  I've had a couple of tough days this week, especially Wednesday.  I'm not really sure why but I didn't even want to get out of bed.  I almost skipped boot camp but I didn't and I'm glad that I went (both Wednesday and today).  It is hard to believe that just 2 years ago this week, you and Dad were buying the house at Indian Creek.  I still remember how happy you were when you were talking about it and when we went to see it for the first time.  I'm so glad that you were able to enjoy it there with him for at least one winter.  I wish you guys had decided to buy something sooner but then you wouldn't have bought that house and that one is just perfect!  Right down to the depression glass dishes.
I've been missing you like crazy, feeling overwhelmed with everything and this winter that just won't end.  We finally had a couple of nice days this week and I'm hoping the temps in the 30s are gone for this year.  The boys have been pretty good and super sweet when they know I'm upset or having a tough day.  Evan has been drawing me all sorts of pictures.  The other night when I was putting Logan to bed, this was our conversation:

Me: I love you
Logan: I love you little bit
Me:  What did you say
Logan: I love you, little tiny bit (making a teeny tiny space between his fingers)
Me: I love you, little tiny bit or lots, lots, lots?
Logan: Lots, lots, lots
Me: Who loves you little tiny bit?
Logan: Gramma!
Me: No buddy, Gramma loves you lots, lots, lots!!

It was adorable!  He is just something else.  You should see him dance to Uptown Funk...and sing...It's priceless.

I guess that's it for now.  There so much more that I want to say but I can't seem to find the words right now.  I think about you all the time...wishing for just a bit more time, one more phone call, one more lunch date...one more minute!  I love you!

Right Handed Yellow Gloves

Hi Mom.  Just checking in to let you know that I thought about you a ton today...so many different reasons, so many different times.  I was trying to do some cleaning which is quite challenging with your two littlest monkeys around.  It's like "brushing your teeth while eating Oreo's" to quote Auntie Karin!  I was able to get quite a bit done but I kept thinking about all the times I was "cleaning" but really I was talking to you!  You were always my best procrastination pal!
Then when I was cleaning up from lunch, I needed new yellow gloves so I opened the drawer and found 2 right handed gloves and started to cry.  Who am I going to give my right handed gloves to now?  I still think it's funny how you always wore out the right and I wore out the left.  A perfect pair!
After I finally had a chance to clean the living room, the boys and I decorated a bit.  We put up some of your Easter decorations along with the few that we had.  They just love the "rockin' down" tree!  I wonder if Eli would remember that tree.  He was the one who coined the phrase "rockin' down"  and "na-night...wakin'"...probably about when he was Logan's age.  Boy how quickly time has past!
In addition to general cleaning, I was cleaning out today too.  Another one of our favorite past-times.  Well, actually, now that I think about it...I can't think of anything we didn't enjoy doing together.  Anyway, I have two bags and a box ready for donation next Saturday; 2 boxes of clothes, Rocky the rocking dog, and pewi for Jonah; 1 bag of maternity clothes for my friend Caitlin that teaches barre; the space saver high chair for Kerry Friel; one of the double strollers is going back to Kerri Vickers for a friend of hers; the 4 black tea light lanterns for Aunt Donna; and another 2 boxes of baby things to either donate or pass on to Emily for her cousin.  With all that we donate throughout the year, I am amazed that we still have all of this stuff!!  I am pretty excited about cleaning it all out and Bruce thought that was cute.
In other news, we've been having a hard time with Evan lately.  We've all been yelling, arguing, fighting, over-reacting and crying way too much!  I try to stay calm and patient but I have been failing...just failing...at it.  He is just so sensitive about every little thing right now...but then again, so am I.  I could really use some strength to love him more and yell at him less!  Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Well it's getting late and I've been going since about 7:30 this morning when Logan woke up and then got sick in our bed because he was coughing so much so I think I'm gonna call it a night.  What I wouldn't give to pick up the phone and hear your voice...I love you!

Oh just one more thing before I go...Dad bought me the same card this year for my birthday that you bought me (I think) last year for my birthday...You taught him well!  Love you!

The photos are a little fuzzy...but you get the idea.

Empty Spaces

Hi Mom.  It's me.  I'm just checking in to say "Hi!"  I'm having a bit of a rough day today...missing you terribly.  I took down your cards today and now there is just an empty space where they once were.  Kind of like the empty feeling that I have without you here.  I know you are still with me in my heart and in my memories but it's just not the same.

I find that the days I expect to be hard, like yesterday, aren't but the days that I don't expect to be hard, are.  It's such a roller coaster.  There are so many things that I want to tell you but then I try and I can't find the words or remember what it was.

Today while I was having lunch with the boys, I just started to cry.  We were having grilled cheese sandwiches on white/italian bread and it reminded me of you.  Simple things like memories of grilled cheese sandwiches bring a smile to my face and a tear to my cheek.  Logan came right over and gave me a big, long hug.  He has been really sweet and sensitive when he knows I am sad.  Evan asked why I was crying and I told him that I am missing you and that I wish I could pick up the phone and call you.  He said "You know what I wish, Mom?  I wish that Papa and Gramma were together."  Me too, buddy, me too!

I wish you were in Florida with Dad, enjoying a nice visit with Uncle Rick and Aunt Donna.  I know they are all missing you and I am glad that they are there together.  I wish you were there so that I didn't have to worry so much.  I talked to Dad every day for 70 days and on the 70th day, when I didn't think I was going to talk to him, I was really upset.  I ended up talking to him that night and it made it easier the next day when I didn't talk to him (at least on the phone, we chatted on Facebook).  I know he is doing ok but I still worry about him.  I remembered you busting my chops about not coming to visit you when you were in the hospital for those 3 days just after Christmas.  I remembered you saying that Dan came to visit "because he cares".  I know you were only joking and that both you and Dad know how much I care and love you.

I wish you could talk to Logan and he could tell you about his new sneakers.  They aren't anything super special, no lights, no super heroes, but he is excited about them and they are fast!  I wish you could hear him talk and be amazed like I am at how much he has changed since Christmas.  It is unbelievable.  He sits at the dining room table with us now, not in his high chair but just in a regular chair with a booster.  He's getting so big.

I wish you could talk to Evan and listen to his amazing stories where he uses his imagination to think of so many interesting adventures.  I wish you could see how excited he is about his new Big Papi shirt.  I wish you could see some of the drawings Evan does and how well he is writing his letters.  I wish you could see him try to sound out words and begin to read.  I wish you could see how well Evan and Logan have been getting along and how nicely they have been playing together.  They are just so special.

Most of all I wish that I could hear your voice and that you could listen to all that I want to tell you.  All the things about finishing my Master's and the mix up with my registration for one of my courses.  I wish I could tell you about my data analysis and what I learned in excel as I was doing it.  I wish I could tell you about going back to boot camp.  I was supposed to go last Monday but I just couldn't.  I had told myself for weeks that after Florida would be the time but putting one foot in front of the other was so hard last week.  But I am going back tomorrow.  I have to do it for me...for you.  I wish I could tell you all about Bruce's job search and opportunities and how things are with us.

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am that I wasn't more supportive when Gramma died.  I know she had been sick and that her life was quite restricted and that it probably was for the best.  But now I understand better what it feels like to lose your Mom and that it isn't easy at any age.  I know our relationship is different than yours was with her but I still don't feel like I was supportive enough.  For that I am sorry.

And then all of the little things that don't really matter too much in the grand scheme of things but the things that I would tell you...about my races, getting together with friends...just the little things.

But I guess that is what I am doing by writing though, right?  I am talking to you in the only way I know how right now.  I wish I could know for sure that you are ok.  That you can breathe.  That you can see us and watch out for us.  I wish I could know for sure that I will see you again someday and that I will hear your voice and see your smile.  I wish...I wish...I wish...you were still here.  I love you!

Our Last Night

Hi mom. It's me. We haven't "spoken" since last Friday. I've been thinking about you, taking about you and missing you a ton. Dad and I just moved the boys out to the living room for the last time on this trip. That has worked out so well!

We had a great visit with Dad and were able to stay a few extra days due to bad weather in NJ. I know you would have been so excited to have 2 extra days with the boys!

It is really tough to leave this year. I always hate going home, leaving you guys in FL and getting back to the real world but even more so this year. I've been telling myself for a month that after Florida, I'll get back on track, back into a routine and moving forward. But just looking at the calendar tonight for next week was so over whelming! I know it's something that I need to do, I'm just not sure I can right now.

I went shopping yesterday after Bruce, the boys and I went to Perkins for lunch. Spent about 2 hours at Beall's. I missed you. I kept hearing you say "Let me hold that for you." I bought a couple of cute things... Things that will hopefully help motivate me to get back in shape.

After Beall's, I went to Anthony's to return the bathing suit bottom that you bought in November. That was hard... Really hard to do. I would so much rather have seen you wear it to the pool. Even just being in Anthony's without you was tough. I know how much you loved it there and how you liked their clothes.

I could go on and on and on but it's getting late and we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I wish so much that you were here with us this trip. Not just in our minds and hearts but really here. I'll love you forever! Good night!

The Longest C Term

Hi Mom.  It's me.  Just checking in while all the boys, big and small, are over at the pool.  Remember when we used to talk about how quickly the 7 week terms at WPI went by. Well not this one!  This has been the longest "C term" of my life.  It's been 6 weeks since I last held your warm hand and kissed your warm cheek.  It's been 7 and a half weeks since we last spoke.  Amazing that 7 weeks used to fly by and this has been an eternity!

I think about you all the time.  I hope you can feel it.  There are so many little things that I miss.  Your laugh, your smile.  The way you always had special little plates for the boys when we came to Florida.  The way you always went out of your way to be sure that we had everything we needed.  The way you would watch the morning news in bed and let the little monkeys join you to snuggle or watch their own show.  (Logan snuggled with Dad for a while this morning...I think they both enjoyed it!)  The way you would appreciate the fact that Evan's new crocs are bright green just like his Ninja Turtle bathing suit...and I didn't even plan it!  The way your face would light up when Logan would have something new to show you.  Your consistency, your kindness, your love...YOU!!!

We're Here!

Hi Mom!  It's me.  We're here!  We made it to Florida and we are missing you like crazy already!  We had a bit of excitement this morning when Bruce realized that he left his license on the scanner at home accidentally.  Of all things to leave at home...of all days!  Bruce was going to go home and get his license and take a later flight but then we were told that he could still get through security without it.  Who knew?!?  So he turned around where he was on 295, came back to the airport with a little help from Bumpa and made it just in time, with literally minutes to spare!

The boys were so, so, so good on the plane.  Evan watched Planes - Fire and Rescue and Logan played on the tablet.  They couldn't have been any better!  It was a long day but we got to your lake house between 5 and 5:30.

I've had a hard time getting excited about this trip.  I was excited and anxious to see Dad but I knew it was going to be a tough trip without you here.  I need to get my nails done tomorrow...wanna come?  We could go to lunch and then shopping at Beall's after.  Oh how I wish we could!  I know we will have a nice time here...we always do...but it won't be the same, nothing is the same, without you!!

We'll take good care of Dad (always, but especially) this week.  The photo that you guys had taken for the Indian Creek directory is beautiful!  Probably one of the best photos you've ever had taken!  You look so beautiful, so healthy, so full of love and life...always a woman to me!

Checking In aka Procrastinating

Hi Mom.  It's me.  Just checking in.  We haven't "spoken" for a few days so I wanted to "call" to see how you've been and let you know what we've been up to.  I know you would have called on Friday to see how Logan made out at the doctor.  No bronchitis, no pneumonia.  Just a lingering cough that won't go away.  I'm hoping that the Florida fresh air and sunshine will take care of that next week.

Not too much else going on here.  We spent Friday with Em, Annalia and Jonah.  We had a fun day with lots of playtime for the kids and a few crafts.  Em and I had a bit of a chance to catch up but never as much as we'd like.  Such is life!

Yesterday, I finally gave the boys their Valentine's gifts.  We were in RI last Saturday and I kept forgetting all week.  They didn't seem to mind the fact that they were a week late.  Logan loved his Baymax/Big Hero Six shirt and Evan was super excited about his new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sunglasses.  He was wearing them much of the day, even inside!

We got a few more inches of snow yesterday, 4 total.  I'm ready for spring!  We are looking forward to heading to Fort Myers next week to see Dad.  The boys both got haircuts...FINALLY...so they'll be handsome and ready to go.  Logan's was so long!!  Wish you were going to be there too.  You will be in our hearts and thoughts, as you always are!

Right now the boys are at Quaker meeting with Bruce and I am supposed to be working on my assignment for my thesis class but I'm having a hard time getting started.  I am hoping that once I get into it, it won't be too bad but it's that getting started that's the trouble right now.  I just have to remember that I will be so glad once it is done and how quickly the quarters at WPI went by.  It's only about 11 weeks with spring break in there too.  I know I can do it...just got to get started!!

Nothing much else to report.  I miss you and love you so much!

Enjoying School Break

Hi Mom.  It's me.  Just checking in.  Nothing major to report but I just wanted to let you know that we are having a nice week with Evan on vacation from school.  He was difficult last week but this week, he has been great.  Evan and Logan are still fighting some but nothing like last week and it's really noticeable, especially for me.  I noticed when he was home from school at Christmas and then again this week, he is much less fresh and challenging.  He still has his moments but not like other times.  I'm not sure why that is, maybe feeding off some of the other kids at school, trying to impress/act like his friends already.  I would think he would be bored and wanting to be in school but he seems really happy to just be here with Logan and I.  It's really nice!  I'm going to miss him so much next year when he's in Kindergarten.

We had a relatively quiet day today with Stacey, Sofia and Emily.  We tried a couple of different play places - sky zone and play town express - but with it being vacation week, they were crazy busy!  We ended up at the library in Westborough where Stacey and Ethan live and then went to Panera for lunch.  Nothing crazy but a nice day with friends.

Tomorrow, Em and the kids will be here...Hopefully!  We rescheduled from Tuesday and now tomorrow I think I need to take Logan to the doctor.  He's had a cough for quite a while and I keep thinking it's getting better but it keeps sticking around.  We just want to be sure there isn't something else going on.

That's really it for today.  Just really enjoying the time with your two littlest monkeys and cherishing the moments we have together as much as I can.  Another thing you taught me...

Love you!  Night!

Fun with Isabelle and TJ

We had a great day with Isabelle and TJ today.  We started at the Whitinsville Social Library for Music & Movement, which all the kids loved!  It took Evan and Logan a few minutes to warm up but once they did, they really got into it.  After that we went back to Isabelle and TJ's house for lots of fun, crafts, lunch and even a special Home Alone 4 movie treat!  I was literally dragging the kids out the door when it was time to leave.  Thanks for having us over today, Jenna!  It's so great that the kids love playing together and we can catch up!  All evening Logan kept saying "That was fun at TJ's house!"  Let's do it again in April!



Dancing at Music & Movement - such a cute little program for the kids


A fun game of Twister - TJ really got into this one!  So cute!

Dreams Last Night

Hi Mom. Just wanted to let you know that I had a dream about you last night.

We were at the hospital in your room in ICU and you were not hooked up to any machines or medicine. You looked beautiful, peaceful and natural...no make-up, just your natural beauty and your hair was as if you had just dried it, before putting any product in it. You were awake and not really talking much but you had your eyes open and were certainly following and participating in the conversation. I was able to tell you just how much you mean to me, how much I love you and how much I cherish the relationship and friendship that we have. All of these things you know but it was so good to be able to tell you again, one last time and know that you could hear me. You would smile and nod. I knew you weren't afraid and that you knew you weren't alone. We were all there with you, just as you had always been there for us. I hugged you, kissed you and held your hand. You were able to squeeze back ever so gently but it was enough.

I have been having such a hard time because I feel like I didn't get a chance to say goodbye but last night in my dream I was able to, at least a little bit. I miss you so much and I hope to have more dreams where we can talk and you can tell me that you are OK now, that you are able to breathe. I want to know if you can see the boys and all the amazing things they are doing. And if you can keep an eye on Dad from where you are. He's doing pretty good, missing you like crazy, but I still worry about him. I get that from you.

I found this poem the other night and it's so fitting. I hope you like it. I hate that I never really got to say goodbye and to tell you that I love you just one more time. Love you! Talk soon!

Last Fight

© Lorna Ferguson

A face that is always on my mind,

A smile I have seen a million times,

Two eyes that would light up the sky at night,

One last battle you could not fight,

The day was long, then night then morn.

I knew that soon you would be gone,

I clasped your hand so warm in mine,

Soon we would be out of time,

To stay with us you fought so hard, 

A million pieces went my heart,

Now a photo I look at to see your smile,

I keep your number on my speed dial,

A video I watch to hear your voice,

This I do.... I have no choice.,

But great memories I will always keep with me,

Your love in my heart for eternity,

I never got to say goodbye,

To understand why, I can but try,

Waiting in heaven from this moment on,

'Till god asks you to bring me home....

Curious Boys

Hi Mom.  Just wanted to tell you a couple of cute stories about the boys.

I took the boys to get haircuts today.  We went to the place in town, Matt's at the Buzzer, and they have 2 candy machines - a gumball machine and an M&M dispenser.  Logan really wanted to go across the room and look at them but didn't really want to go alone.  He asked me and Evan to go with him but we didn't want to.  A few minutes later, moving ever so slowly, he took one little step at a time and started moving a bit faster the closer he got to the candy.  He was so excited once he got there and checked out the candy.  He counted the M&M's...there were 7...well according to him anyway. After that he kept bouncing back and forth across the room.  We never did end up getting haircuts though.  The wait was too long.  At this rate, Papa might have to try and do it in Florida!  :-)

Then after we had lunch today, Evan asked me what the fastest bird besides the peregrine falcon is.  He knows peregrine falcon from watching Wild Kratts with you.  We then spent about half an hour looking up different animals...eagles, manatees, animals that are "almost extinct"...it was great!  He is so curious about the world and loves animals and exploring.  This also did lead to watching 3 videos of "What does the fox say?", which is Evan's new favorite song because Danny likes it too!  But for a while he was really interested in all the different animals.

Ok, gotta run, Evan just asked me to look up some facts about hawks.  He wants to know if there is a white winged hawk and if they blend in to the snowy trees so that their predators can't see them...He's amazing!  Talk soon!  Love you!

New Direction???

Over the last year, I have been wondering what the future of the blog would be.  I had a terrible time maintaining it last year.  (I currently have most of July-December to update and post-date.)  I don't want to abandon it all together because I like having the record of the experiences that we share with the boys but it has become quite overwhelming as it currently is.

Lately, I have been writing...A LOT!  Most of the posts have been about losing my Mom and the struggles that I have had as a result.  I have been hesitant to post some of the pieces...they are raw and emotional, they are deeply personal.  I don't know if this is the right place for them or not but I don't know where else to put them.  Last night I sat down and wrote One Month Without You Here and One More Thing.  Then today I wanted to tell Mom a cute story about Evan and Logan so I sat and wrote it down immediately.  I titled it "Chats with Mom"...

Maybe this will be my new direction.  A way to "talk" to my Mom and tell her all of the cute things the boys say and do and all of the things that would make her laugh, smile and be so proud of the little guys she loved so much.  I'm not 100% sure but things are changing so it seems like an appropriate time to make a change like this.

This video is from this afternoon when Logan, out of the blue, said "I want to say I love you Gramma."  Couldn't say no to that!


As always, thanks for reading!

Chats with Mom

As I sit here and type to you, Mom, Evan and Logan are in the bathroom and Evan is teaching Logan how to use the potty.  Evan has the little Elmo potty and the seat that goes on the big toilet.  Evan is encouraging Logan to try and Logan is pretty receptive to it...until I go in.  Then Logan wants to put his diaper back on and doesn't want to try.  It is the cutest thing!  Evan is saying "I'm so proud of you, Logan" to which Logan responds "I'm so proud of you too!"  Evan said he will give Logan a quarter of his own. They are sweet boys!  Ok, Evan just came in to tell me that "Logan doesn't really want to do it now but maybe he'll do it later.  He can't really do it right now because it just happens sometimes."  Logan just came out and said "Mom, I want you to help me in the bathroom.  The Elmo potty isn't really working."  I can almost hear you laugh!  I hope you can see these two monkeys!   And I have been meaning to tell you how much Logan has changed since Christmas...It's amazing!  His vocabulary, his expresssions, his fine motor skills and how much he knows...Just unbelievable!  He calls me a silly goose.  Guess he isn't going to stay little forever!  Gotta run...Love you!

And obviously on the coldest day of the year, these two monkeys are running around, dancing in their undies!!

One More Thing

As is always the case, I just finished "talking" to you and I immediately thought of something that I forgot to tell you.

I started my thesis course.  Well sort of.  I was supposed to start on your birthday but that was canceled due to snow.  The next two Mondays were also cancelled because of snow and then tomorrow is President's Day so there is no class.  I will go on the 23rd but then miss the 2nd because we will be in Florida.  I'll have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time but I think that's better than dragging it out anyway.  Then I'll just have one class to take in May/June and I'll be done with my Master's.  As much as I don't really want to do it right now, I know you'd be happy that I am.

I think that's it for tonight.  Wish I could hear your voice just one more time!  Love you!

One Month Without You Here

"Hi Mom! It's me. Just wanted to check in and let you know what we've been up to. Haven't talked with you in a while. I miss you. I hope you are doing well! Love you!"

That's the message that I want to leave for you tonight. You should be at the show at Indian Creek with Dad. We are all missing you so much! We're doing ok, getting through day by day but it isn't easy.

There are so many things that I want to tell you but then when I try, I come up empty. It's the strangest feeling but I'm going to give it a shot.

Snow, snow and more snow. I have lost track of how much snow we have had since your birthday because it is just nuts. We got another 8 inches last night and this morning and that was a small storm. The snow banks are crazy high, making it tough to drive because you can't see around them. Our front hedges are covered on both the street side and the house side. Bruce spent 2.5 hours outside snowblowing and shoveling today. He shoveled off the decks because we were afraid that the weight would be too much. It has been bitter cold the last few days and is supposed to stay that way for the next week. I hope where you are it is warm and sunny! Send some to us, OK? Can't wait to get to Florida next week!

The boys have been challenging. We haven't had much of a schedule since before the holidays and I think they are feeling it. It's been tough to stick to anything with so many cancellations and other interruptions. Evan is on vacation from school this week so we have some play dates planned with Emily, Jenna and Stacey. We are supposed to get more snow so hopefully we'll be able to get them in. The boys have so much energy that they can't get out right now. We've been trying to get outside when we can but the snow is so deep that they can't even play in it, plus it's so cold! Logan has developed quite a temper and loves to push Evan's buttons. He has started throwing things and hitting when he doesn't get his way. That has been earning him more timeouts. He is also still really sweet, always wanting to snuggle and play. If I am crying or upset, he always gives me a hug and says "I don't want you to cry, Mommy" or "I miss Gramma." Evan has been acting out more and more and was even difficult the other day at school. I'm at a loss for what to do with him but we took away every toy from him yesterday and now he has to earn them back. I know that part of it is everything that has been going on here but part of it is just him testing. I'm hoping that this phase is short lived and that I can have my sweet, fun boy back because our days are numbered. Evan is registered for kindergarten and Logan is signed up for Tuesday-Thursday preschool next year!! It's crazy how quickly time passes but it will be nice to have some time to myself. Wish we could just chat on the phone for those 5 hours!!

Me...I've been not myself. I haven't worked out consistently since before Christmas and I have a hard time getting things done at home. The weather doesn't help and just makes me want to crawl up in a ball and sleep all day. I'm hoping that after our trip to Florida things will be a bit easier. I bought a really cute pair of flip flops the other day and am excited to wear them when we visit Dad. Wish we could go to Beall's together. I've been dying to shop! Bruce and I went to PPAC to see the Indigo Girls for my birthday. We had a drink and an appetizer at Providence Coal Fired Pizza before the show and then went back there after for some pizza and drinks. I ran into Nisa at the show. She hasn't changed one bit! She was asking for you. She hadn't heard the news.

Not too much else. We had a good time at the Super Bowl Party at Dan and Karin's and were excited to see the Pats win, even though it wasn't looking good for a while. We took Bumpa out to dinner to Ruby Tuesday's the night before his birthday and I've been calling him about once a week to check in. He seems to be doing ok. It looks like Jack is going to be able to sell his house, which everyone is happy about. I've been helping Dad with the bills and online banking. He's really concerned about messing something up but he's been doing ok so far. He'll find his way. He's been staying busy in Fort Myers and seeing quite a few people. I worry about him but I know you'll keep an eye on him and make sure he's ok.

I've had a tough week with Dad going back to Florida and especially the last few days. I look at the windows to your room in ICU every time I drive by the hospital. I know you aren't there but I just can't seem to help it. I keep thinking that I wish I never left on the afternoon of the 3rd. I don't know what would have been different if I hadn't but I still wish I hadn't. Part of me keeps thinking that one of these times when I go to your house, you'll greet us at the door or be in the family room playing solitaire. I know you won't be but oh how I wish you would be! I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much I will always cherish our relationship. Keep me strong, Mom! I need you! I love you!

Some photos and video from the last month including celebrating my birthday and Valentine's Day

The 9:10 Phone Call That Never Came

Every year for probably the last 17 years, at exactly 9:10 am on February 13th, my Mom would call me.  You see I was born on February 13th, 1979 at 9:10 am.  For the first 18 years of my life, I was at home for my birthday but then once I went to college and beyond, she would call.  Before cell phones, she would leave a message on my home phone or call my work phone.  Once I had a cell phone and couldn't really be reached during the day when I was teaching, she would call my cell and leave a message.  More recently, since I was home with the boys, I would wait for that phone call, always knowing that it would come right at 9:10...never 9:09 and never 9:11. Well this year that phone call never came.

Actually it did...but this time it was Dad that called.  He knew Mom's ritual and he picked up right where she left off.  I can already hear him saying "Oh, right, what am I?  Chopped liver?" but he will be the first to tell you, it's just different.  I am truly appreciative of the fact that he did call.  That right at 9:10 the phone rang as I was looking at my phone, going through old voicemails that Mom had left, wondering if I happened to have an old birthday message.  I am thankful that right at 9:10 Mom's photo appeared on my phone with the words "incoming call from Mom & Dad".  We talked and cried for a few minutes together, knowing that today would be a tough day for me.

As I went through the day, I recalled birthdays past.  When I was in elementary school, I had perfect attendance from Kindergarten through 6th grade. I am assuming that absences due to illnesses were excused because I don't think that I really NEVER MISSED A DAY.  We would celebrate my birthday with both family and friend parties.  The family party was usually a "fancy" dinner in the dining room with a meal of my choosing for Mom, Dad, Dan and I.  Many years Papa & Grandma and Gramma & Bumpa would join us.  I remember Strawberry Shortcake (the character not the dessert) and Rainbow Bright cakes and feeling so grown up, eating in the dining room!  The friend parties were usually roller skating parties or the famous Diane Kavanagh sleepovers, where 10 or so girls would sleepover.  We'd watch movies, style each others hair, do makeovers...you know, typical girl stuff.

Once I was in junior high and high school, I always took my birthday out of school.  Just ask Dan.  He always says "Yeah, Diane apparently didn't have to go to school on her birthday."  I was a good student and didn't miss many days so I would take my special day off and Mom and I would spend the day together as "girls are girls", a phrase Mom coined when I was quite young to refer to our time together, just the two of us.  We would go shopping and go to lunch.  We would often buy a few things, never a crazy big shopping spree, but more of the perfect chance to spend some uninterrupted time together.  It was THE BEST!!

When I was in college, my parents would come to WPI to take me out to dinner, usually to Peppercorn's or The Boynton or I would head home to RI for dinner there.  Sometimes it was on my birthday, other times it was a few days before or a few days after.  The Sunday that I turned 21, Mom and Dad came up to take me to the Sole Proprietor for dinner.  I had been out late the night before, ordering my first "legal" drinks and I remember feeling just terrible!  I made it through and appreciated the time we had together.

I remember turning 25 and having just a terrible day!  Bruce and I had been married for about 5 months and due to our current job situations, we were living in two different states.  I was also having a hard time being in my mid-20s, a quarter of a century old.  I remember sitting on the bed in Dan's old room at "home" and just crying and crying while Mom was there to comfort me in anyway she could and mostly just there was hugs!  After I finished my pity party, we went shopping and to lunch which made things better.

For my last 8 birthdays, Mom and Dad have been in Fort Myers so even though I didn't get to see them, I always spoke with them and really looked forward to my 9:10 phone call.  Knowing that I will never again hear Mom's voice on the other end of the phone say "Hi dahlin' girl!  Happy birthday!" is extremely difficult for me.  But then I think about all of the amazing memories that I do have of the 35 birthdays that I did celebrate with Mom and I smile.  I am so thankful for the time that we did have, especially when you consider that Mom was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension when I was just 8 months old and that she didn't think that "my baby will even know me."  Well, Mom, I knew you and love you so much!!  Thank you for helping me create so many wonderful memories!  I love you!

I will still look forward to the 9:10 phone call on my birthday but just in a slightly different way...from Dad!  Don't forget, Dad!  I know you never would!  Thank you so much for calling and continuing to love me the way that Mom always did!  Love you!

Snow Ice Cream and Snow Dough

Because what else can you do with 6 feet of snow in 3 weeks...

You make snow ice cream with sprinkles and use play-dough tools to play with the snow inside!!

Anything to keep us from going crazy with all the days we have been cooped up lately.

Rainbow Foam

I haven't been a very good mom lately.  Well, let me rephrase that...I haven't been a very hands on, present mom lately.  And while I think everyone, except maybe Evan and Logan, would totally understand why, it is still bothering me.  I have been very distracted and absent even when I am physically present.  I have saved lots of links to fun things to do with kids when you are cooped up inside in the cold, snowy winter but that is as far as it has gone.  The execution has been greatly lacking and there has been an awful lot of this...

Playing games on Mommy's phone

...and this...

Playing games on the tablet

...and this...

Mid-day movie time

This afternoon, I decided to change that.  (Truth be told, the boys had already watched a bit of TV this morning while I took care of a few other things.)
We had lunch, bundled up and headed outside to play in the snow.  We were out for a bit over an hour, which is a long time these days.  Once we came back in and after having a snack (these boys do nothing but eat these days!), the boys worked in their workbooks for a while.  Evan was working on identifying beginning sounds and identifying capital and lower case letter pairs.  Logan was searching for all of the similar objects and then counting them.
Then it was 4:30 pm...Logan wasn't going to take a nap, we had already watched a decent amount of TV this morning...what were we going to do until dinner???  That is when I decided it was time to execute!  This...we were going to do this!  Our rainbow foam didn't look quite as fluffy and cool but the boys still had fun.  Who knows maybe I'll have enough motivation to do another similar activity in the coming days.



This video isn't overly exciting but I just love Evan's sweet face at the end when he is looking right at the camera.

We Were Blessed

Hard to believe that three weeks have already passed...

Here are the beautiful words that Dad spoke at Mom's funeral...such strength, such love!

We Were Blessed

For a man who is seldom at a loss for words, I find myself now totally at a loss for the greatest joy one could ever know.

People who knew Debbie, loved her.  She was my rock.  She was without a doubt the strongest person I ever knew.  She loved life and lived life as fully as she possibly could.  We have a wonderful family who she molded in her love and goodness.  She made me the man I am.  Not by telling me how best to do things but by subtle suggestions and then letting me think it was my idea.  

She, with a little help from me, raised two incredible children, Dan and Diane, who really display her strength, her wisdom, her caring for others, but most of all her love.  She – We are so proud!  

Debbie loved to sing.  She had a beautiful voice.  Very often when we were home alone (she never wanted attention), we would sing duets.  One of our favorites was by James Ingram “How Do You Keep The Music Playing?”  The words go:

How do you keep the music playing?

How do you make it last?

How do you keep the song from fading too fast?

If we can be the best of lovers

Yet be the best of friends

If we can try everyday to make it better

Then I suppose the music never ends

Throughout our 43 years together, I was the lucky one.  As far as we were concerned, we got to live one of the “greatest love stories ever”.  I'm sure others might disagree but no one loved their spouses as much as we did.  As I cry and ache and feel sorry for loved ones, I know she is saying, “I'm fine.  I'm fine.  Don't worry.  Take care of yourself and the kids.”  She would want that.  But I will still always not be whole again.

I love you, sweetheart!



Mom and Dad through the years...

Sledding at Papa & Gramma's

We have been spending a lot of time at Papa & Gramma's house lately, helping Papa with a variety of things, and there is certainly plenty of snow so why not enjoy it and go sledding!!!  I only wish Gramma was here to see the smiles on the monkeys faces and hear the giggles coming from their bellies!



Evan sleds


I just get buried

The Doc Is In!

Today we celebrated the 4th birthday of one of the sweetest little girls we know, Annalia.  It was a Doc McStuffins party complete with make your own stethoscope and doctor's coat (both such adorable ideas...courtesy of Pintrest!)as well as pin the bandaid on Stuffy, a pinata and other fun games.  Lia was so excited about each and every one of her gifts!  Happy birthday, sweetie!

January or Juno??

I made the mistake last week of telling my Dad that I had heard on the news that Worcester had only had 9 inches of snow so far for this winter instead of the average of about 36 inches.  Well, that all changed yesterday! Over the last couple of days, Worcester got more snow than it ever has on record before in one storm...34.5 inches.  Guess we are up to and beyond that average now!!  There is so much snow that it is hard for the boys to even play in but we did get out to enjoy it for a little while today.

Logan's First Selfie

Logan has started taking photos of all sorts of random things, just like Evan did when he was Logan's age.  He still needs to learn where to hold the camera so that his fingers aren't in front of the lens but he did manage to get it right on this one.

How you doin'?

New Reality - One Tough Day for Every "Good" Day

I knew it was going to hit me and hit me hard, I just didn't know when.

The days before Mom passed were long and hard, filled with worry, tears, heartache and sadness. Strangely enough, however, the days after weren't as hard as I expected them to be.  We made the arrangements for Mom's funeral rather quickly and for the next few days we were fully in planning and organizing mode.  The day of the funeral came and I was dreading it.  I had visions of myself being a total mess all day.  Instead, I was overcome with such love and support that I could never have imagined.  So, so many people came to pay their respects to Mom and to express their sympathy to us.  Childhood friends, former co-workers, extended family, in-laws, high school and college friends, family and life long friends.  It was amazing to see and experience such love!  Everyone telling stories of Mom or saying how sweet, kind, beautiful, loving, caring...the list goes on and on...she was.  It really made the day much easier than I expected it to be.  Even Sunday and Monday, after the service, after we'd said goodbye for the last time, were easier than I expected.  We watched the Patriots win the AFC championship game together at Dan and Karin's on Sunday.  Then Monday, I helped Dad sort through some bills, receipts and paperwork, before having late lunch with Dan.  We were all together, remembering, crying, laughing and smiling.

Then it came...Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday....  Things were returning to "normal".  People were heading back to work and school, there was nothing left to plan, life was moving on.  No way!  Not in my book!  How could I be expected to just pick up and move on?  No one was asking me to pretend that this was all just a bad dream, although I wish it was, but it was time to start moving forward a little bit and accepting this "new reality".  Well it sucked!  I spent much of last week in a fog.  Wandering around aimlessly, having so many things to do but not being able to accomplish any of them.  Simple tasks were seemingly impossible.  I was still experiencing a huge outpouring of love from so many people which helped but the days and nights were quite challenging.  

After spending part or all of everyday for nearly three weeks in Rhode Island with Mom, Dad and Dan, I was home with the boys and Leni on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday was Leni's last day in MA so I went to RI to help Dad a bit more without distractions.  Just being with Dad helped me so much.  There are times when I'm not sure if we are good or bad for each other because we are both missing Mom so much but I also know that's just what we need right now.  He's the closest thing I have to Mom right now so I'm holding on tightly!

Thursday night when Bruce took Leni to the airport was extremely difficult for me.  Leni had been here for two weeks and was a godsend!  She took care of so many things...cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing...Not to mention taking such great care of Evan and Logan in our absence.  I don't know what we would have done without her help.  But now that she was heading home to WA, it was like the last thing that was returning to "normal".  

Friday was ok.  Evan had school and Bruce dropped him off so I could have time to get the day started a bit slower.  When I picked him up, we headed to Papa & Gramma's house for the afternoon and evening.  We had a nice visit with Glenn and I think it helped Papa to have the boys there for a while.  

The weekend was tough again.   With a to-do list miles long and an inability to focus on anything, the time slipped away.  I was missing Mom so much and just couldn't bring myself to continue as if nothing had changed.  

Monday, Mom's birthday, was easier again.  Dad came up to help out with the boys so that I could attend Evan's teacher conferences.  In the afternoon, I helped Dad with some online banking, something that is totally new to him.  Monday would have been Mom's 63rd birthday and while I was sad that she wasn't there with us, the day wasn't as hard as I would have thought it would be.  

I guess that is the lesson in all of this.  There will be good times and bad, there will be happy times and sad.  Day by day, step by step, we will all find a way to carry on.  We will never quite be whole but we will never forget for one minute the love that we shared.