Hi Mom. It's me. I'm just checking in to say "Hi!" I'm having a bit of a rough day today...missing you terribly. I took down your cards today and now there is just an empty space where they once were. Kind of like the empty feeling that I have without you here. I know you are still with me in my heart and in my memories but it's just not the same.
I find that the days I expect to be hard, like yesterday, aren't but the days that I don't expect to be hard, are. It's such a roller coaster. There are so many things that I want to tell you but then I try and I can't find the words or remember what it was.
Today while I was having lunch with the boys, I just started to cry. We were having grilled cheese sandwiches on white/italian bread and it reminded me of you. Simple things like memories of grilled cheese sandwiches bring a smile to my face and a tear to my cheek. Logan came right over and gave me a big, long hug. He has been really sweet and sensitive when he knows I am sad. Evan asked why I was crying and I told him that I am missing you and that I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. He said "You know what I wish, Mom? I wish that Papa and Gramma were together." Me too, buddy, me too!
I wish you were in Florida with Dad, enjoying a nice visit with Uncle Rick and Aunt Donna. I know they are all missing you and I am glad that they are there together. I wish you were there so that I didn't have to worry so much. I talked to Dad every day for 70 days and on the 70th day, when I didn't think I was going to talk to him, I was really upset. I ended up talking to him that night and it made it easier the next day when I didn't talk to him (at least on the phone, we chatted on Facebook). I know he is doing ok but I still worry about him. I remembered you busting my chops about not coming to visit you when you were in the hospital for those 3 days just after Christmas. I remembered you saying that Dan came to visit "because he cares". I know you were only joking and that both you and Dad know how much I care and love you.
I wish you could talk to Logan and he could tell you about his new sneakers. They aren't anything super special, no lights, no super heroes, but he is excited about them and they are fast! I wish you could hear him talk and be amazed like I am at how much he has changed since Christmas. It is unbelievable. He sits at the dining room table with us now, not in his high chair but just in a regular chair with a booster. He's getting so big.
I wish you could talk to Evan and listen to his amazing stories where he uses his imagination to think of so many interesting adventures. I wish you could see how excited he is about his new Big Papi shirt. I wish you could see some of the drawings Evan does and how well he is writing his letters. I wish you could see him try to sound out words and begin to read. I wish you could see how well Evan and Logan have been getting along and how nicely they have been playing together. They are just so special.
Most of all I wish that I could hear your voice and that you could listen to all that I want to tell you. All the things about finishing my Master's and the mix up with my registration for one of my courses. I wish I could tell you about my data analysis and what I learned in excel as I was doing it. I wish I could tell you about going back to boot camp. I was supposed to go last Monday but I just couldn't. I had told myself for weeks that after Florida would be the time but putting one foot in front of the other was so hard last week. But I am going back tomorrow. I have to do it for me...for you. I wish I could tell you all about Bruce's job search and opportunities and how things are with us.
I wish I could tell you how sorry I am that I wasn't more supportive when Gramma died. I know she had been sick and that her life was quite restricted and that it probably was for the best. But now I understand better what it feels like to lose your Mom and that it isn't easy at any age. I know our relationship is different than yours was with her but I still don't feel like I was supportive enough. For that I am sorry.
And then all of the little things that don't really matter too much in the grand scheme of things but the things that I would tell you...about my races, getting together with friends...just the little things.
But I guess that is what I am doing by writing though, right? I am talking to you in the only way I know how right now. I wish I could know for sure that you are ok. That you can breathe. That you can see us and watch out for us. I wish I could know for sure that I will see you again someday and that I will hear your voice and see your smile. I wish...I wish...I wish...you were still here. I love you!
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