The Longest C Term

Hi Mom.  It's me.  Just checking in while all the boys, big and small, are over at the pool.  Remember when we used to talk about how quickly the 7 week terms at WPI went by. Well not this one!  This has been the longest "C term" of my life.  It's been 6 weeks since I last held your warm hand and kissed your warm cheek.  It's been 7 and a half weeks since we last spoke.  Amazing that 7 weeks used to fly by and this has been an eternity!

I think about you all the time.  I hope you can feel it.  There are so many little things that I miss.  Your laugh, your smile.  The way you always had special little plates for the boys when we came to Florida.  The way you always went out of your way to be sure that we had everything we needed.  The way you would watch the morning news in bed and let the little monkeys join you to snuggle or watch their own show.  (Logan snuggled with Dad for a while this morning...I think they both enjoyed it!)  The way you would appreciate the fact that Evan's new crocs are bright green just like his Ninja Turtle bathing suit...and I didn't even plan it!  The way your face would light up when Logan would have something new to show you.  Your consistency, your kindness, your love...YOU!!!

We're Here!

Hi Mom!  It's me.  We're here!  We made it to Florida and we are missing you like crazy already!  We had a bit of excitement this morning when Bruce realized that he left his license on the scanner at home accidentally.  Of all things to leave at home...of all days!  Bruce was going to go home and get his license and take a later flight but then we were told that he could still get through security without it.  Who knew?!?  So he turned around where he was on 295, came back to the airport with a little help from Bumpa and made it just in time, with literally minutes to spare!

The boys were so, so, so good on the plane.  Evan watched Planes - Fire and Rescue and Logan played on the tablet.  They couldn't have been any better!  It was a long day but we got to your lake house between 5 and 5:30.

I've had a hard time getting excited about this trip.  I was excited and anxious to see Dad but I knew it was going to be a tough trip without you here.  I need to get my nails done tomorrow...wanna come?  We could go to lunch and then shopping at Beall's after.  Oh how I wish we could!  I know we will have a nice time here...we always do...but it won't be the same, nothing is the same, without you!!

We'll take good care of Dad (always, but especially) this week.  The photo that you guys had taken for the Indian Creek directory is beautiful!  Probably one of the best photos you've ever had taken!  You look so beautiful, so healthy, so full of love and life...always a woman to me!

Checking In aka Procrastinating

Hi Mom.  It's me.  Just checking in.  We haven't "spoken" for a few days so I wanted to "call" to see how you've been and let you know what we've been up to.  I know you would have called on Friday to see how Logan made out at the doctor.  No bronchitis, no pneumonia.  Just a lingering cough that won't go away.  I'm hoping that the Florida fresh air and sunshine will take care of that next week.

Not too much else going on here.  We spent Friday with Em, Annalia and Jonah.  We had a fun day with lots of playtime for the kids and a few crafts.  Em and I had a bit of a chance to catch up but never as much as we'd like.  Such is life!

Yesterday, I finally gave the boys their Valentine's gifts.  We were in RI last Saturday and I kept forgetting all week.  They didn't seem to mind the fact that they were a week late.  Logan loved his Baymax/Big Hero Six shirt and Evan was super excited about his new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sunglasses.  He was wearing them much of the day, even inside!

We got a few more inches of snow yesterday, 4 total.  I'm ready for spring!  We are looking forward to heading to Fort Myers next week to see Dad.  The boys both got haircuts...FINALLY...so they'll be handsome and ready to go.  Logan's was so long!!  Wish you were going to be there too.  You will be in our hearts and thoughts, as you always are!

Right now the boys are at Quaker meeting with Bruce and I am supposed to be working on my assignment for my thesis class but I'm having a hard time getting started.  I am hoping that once I get into it, it won't be too bad but it's that getting started that's the trouble right now.  I just have to remember that I will be so glad once it is done and how quickly the quarters at WPI went by.  It's only about 11 weeks with spring break in there too.  I know I can do it...just got to get started!!

Nothing much else to report.  I miss you and love you so much!

Enjoying School Break

Hi Mom.  It's me.  Just checking in.  Nothing major to report but I just wanted to let you know that we are having a nice week with Evan on vacation from school.  He was difficult last week but this week, he has been great.  Evan and Logan are still fighting some but nothing like last week and it's really noticeable, especially for me.  I noticed when he was home from school at Christmas and then again this week, he is much less fresh and challenging.  He still has his moments but not like other times.  I'm not sure why that is, maybe feeding off some of the other kids at school, trying to impress/act like his friends already.  I would think he would be bored and wanting to be in school but he seems really happy to just be here with Logan and I.  It's really nice!  I'm going to miss him so much next year when he's in Kindergarten.

We had a relatively quiet day today with Stacey, Sofia and Emily.  We tried a couple of different play places - sky zone and play town express - but with it being vacation week, they were crazy busy!  We ended up at the library in Westborough where Stacey and Ethan live and then went to Panera for lunch.  Nothing crazy but a nice day with friends.

Tomorrow, Em and the kids will be here...Hopefully!  We rescheduled from Tuesday and now tomorrow I think I need to take Logan to the doctor.  He's had a cough for quite a while and I keep thinking it's getting better but it keeps sticking around.  We just want to be sure there isn't something else going on.

That's really it for today.  Just really enjoying the time with your two littlest monkeys and cherishing the moments we have together as much as I can.  Another thing you taught me...

Love you!  Night!

Fun with Isabelle and TJ

We had a great day with Isabelle and TJ today.  We started at the Whitinsville Social Library for Music & Movement, which all the kids loved!  It took Evan and Logan a few minutes to warm up but once they did, they really got into it.  After that we went back to Isabelle and TJ's house for lots of fun, crafts, lunch and even a special Home Alone 4 movie treat!  I was literally dragging the kids out the door when it was time to leave.  Thanks for having us over today, Jenna!  It's so great that the kids love playing together and we can catch up!  All evening Logan kept saying "That was fun at TJ's house!"  Let's do it again in April!



Dancing at Music & Movement - such a cute little program for the kids


A fun game of Twister - TJ really got into this one!  So cute!

Dreams Last Night

Hi Mom. Just wanted to let you know that I had a dream about you last night.

We were at the hospital in your room in ICU and you were not hooked up to any machines or medicine. You looked beautiful, peaceful and natural...no make-up, just your natural beauty and your hair was as if you had just dried it, before putting any product in it. You were awake and not really talking much but you had your eyes open and were certainly following and participating in the conversation. I was able to tell you just how much you mean to me, how much I love you and how much I cherish the relationship and friendship that we have. All of these things you know but it was so good to be able to tell you again, one last time and know that you could hear me. You would smile and nod. I knew you weren't afraid and that you knew you weren't alone. We were all there with you, just as you had always been there for us. I hugged you, kissed you and held your hand. You were able to squeeze back ever so gently but it was enough.

I have been having such a hard time because I feel like I didn't get a chance to say goodbye but last night in my dream I was able to, at least a little bit. I miss you so much and I hope to have more dreams where we can talk and you can tell me that you are OK now, that you are able to breathe. I want to know if you can see the boys and all the amazing things they are doing. And if you can keep an eye on Dad from where you are. He's doing pretty good, missing you like crazy, but I still worry about him. I get that from you.

I found this poem the other night and it's so fitting. I hope you like it. I hate that I never really got to say goodbye and to tell you that I love you just one more time. Love you! Talk soon!

Last Fight

© Lorna Ferguson

A face that is always on my mind,

A smile I have seen a million times,

Two eyes that would light up the sky at night,

One last battle you could not fight,

The day was long, then night then morn.

I knew that soon you would be gone,

I clasped your hand so warm in mine,

Soon we would be out of time,

To stay with us you fought so hard, 

A million pieces went my heart,

Now a photo I look at to see your smile,

I keep your number on my speed dial,

A video I watch to hear your voice,

This I do.... I have no choice.,

But great memories I will always keep with me,

Your love in my heart for eternity,

I never got to say goodbye,

To understand why, I can but try,

Waiting in heaven from this moment on,

'Till god asks you to bring me home....

Curious Boys

Hi Mom.  Just wanted to tell you a couple of cute stories about the boys.

I took the boys to get haircuts today.  We went to the place in town, Matt's at the Buzzer, and they have 2 candy machines - a gumball machine and an M&M dispenser.  Logan really wanted to go across the room and look at them but didn't really want to go alone.  He asked me and Evan to go with him but we didn't want to.  A few minutes later, moving ever so slowly, he took one little step at a time and started moving a bit faster the closer he got to the candy.  He was so excited once he got there and checked out the candy.  He counted the M&M's...there were 7...well according to him anyway. After that he kept bouncing back and forth across the room.  We never did end up getting haircuts though.  The wait was too long.  At this rate, Papa might have to try and do it in Florida!  :-)

Then after we had lunch today, Evan asked me what the fastest bird besides the peregrine falcon is.  He knows peregrine falcon from watching Wild Kratts with you.  We then spent about half an hour looking up different animals...eagles, manatees, animals that are "almost extinct"...it was great!  He is so curious about the world and loves animals and exploring.  This also did lead to watching 3 videos of "What does the fox say?", which is Evan's new favorite song because Danny likes it too!  But for a while he was really interested in all the different animals.

Ok, gotta run, Evan just asked me to look up some facts about hawks.  He wants to know if there is a white winged hawk and if they blend in to the snowy trees so that their predators can't see them...He's amazing!  Talk soon!  Love you!

New Direction???

Over the last year, I have been wondering what the future of the blog would be.  I had a terrible time maintaining it last year.  (I currently have most of July-December to update and post-date.)  I don't want to abandon it all together because I like having the record of the experiences that we share with the boys but it has become quite overwhelming as it currently is.

Lately, I have been writing...A LOT!  Most of the posts have been about losing my Mom and the struggles that I have had as a result.  I have been hesitant to post some of the pieces...they are raw and emotional, they are deeply personal.  I don't know if this is the right place for them or not but I don't know where else to put them.  Last night I sat down and wrote One Month Without You Here and One More Thing.  Then today I wanted to tell Mom a cute story about Evan and Logan so I sat and wrote it down immediately.  I titled it "Chats with Mom"...

Maybe this will be my new direction.  A way to "talk" to my Mom and tell her all of the cute things the boys say and do and all of the things that would make her laugh, smile and be so proud of the little guys she loved so much.  I'm not 100% sure but things are changing so it seems like an appropriate time to make a change like this.

This video is from this afternoon when Logan, out of the blue, said "I want to say I love you Gramma."  Couldn't say no to that!


As always, thanks for reading!

Chats with Mom

As I sit here and type to you, Mom, Evan and Logan are in the bathroom and Evan is teaching Logan how to use the potty.  Evan has the little Elmo potty and the seat that goes on the big toilet.  Evan is encouraging Logan to try and Logan is pretty receptive to it...until I go in.  Then Logan wants to put his diaper back on and doesn't want to try.  It is the cutest thing!  Evan is saying "I'm so proud of you, Logan" to which Logan responds "I'm so proud of you too!"  Evan said he will give Logan a quarter of his own. They are sweet boys!  Ok, Evan just came in to tell me that "Logan doesn't really want to do it now but maybe he'll do it later.  He can't really do it right now because it just happens sometimes."  Logan just came out and said "Mom, I want you to help me in the bathroom.  The Elmo potty isn't really working."  I can almost hear you laugh!  I hope you can see these two monkeys!   And I have been meaning to tell you how much Logan has changed since Christmas...It's amazing!  His vocabulary, his expresssions, his fine motor skills and how much he knows...Just unbelievable!  He calls me a silly goose.  Guess he isn't going to stay little forever!  Gotta run...Love you!

And obviously on the coldest day of the year, these two monkeys are running around, dancing in their undies!!

One More Thing

As is always the case, I just finished "talking" to you and I immediately thought of something that I forgot to tell you.

I started my thesis course.  Well sort of.  I was supposed to start on your birthday but that was canceled due to snow.  The next two Mondays were also cancelled because of snow and then tomorrow is President's Day so there is no class.  I will go on the 23rd but then miss the 2nd because we will be in Florida.  I'll have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time but I think that's better than dragging it out anyway.  Then I'll just have one class to take in May/June and I'll be done with my Master's.  As much as I don't really want to do it right now, I know you'd be happy that I am.

I think that's it for tonight.  Wish I could hear your voice just one more time!  Love you!

One Month Without You Here

"Hi Mom! It's me. Just wanted to check in and let you know what we've been up to. Haven't talked with you in a while. I miss you. I hope you are doing well! Love you!"

That's the message that I want to leave for you tonight. You should be at the show at Indian Creek with Dad. We are all missing you so much! We're doing ok, getting through day by day but it isn't easy.

There are so many things that I want to tell you but then when I try, I come up empty. It's the strangest feeling but I'm going to give it a shot.

Snow, snow and more snow. I have lost track of how much snow we have had since your birthday because it is just nuts. We got another 8 inches last night and this morning and that was a small storm. The snow banks are crazy high, making it tough to drive because you can't see around them. Our front hedges are covered on both the street side and the house side. Bruce spent 2.5 hours outside snowblowing and shoveling today. He shoveled off the decks because we were afraid that the weight would be too much. It has been bitter cold the last few days and is supposed to stay that way for the next week. I hope where you are it is warm and sunny! Send some to us, OK? Can't wait to get to Florida next week!

The boys have been challenging. We haven't had much of a schedule since before the holidays and I think they are feeling it. It's been tough to stick to anything with so many cancellations and other interruptions. Evan is on vacation from school this week so we have some play dates planned with Emily, Jenna and Stacey. We are supposed to get more snow so hopefully we'll be able to get them in. The boys have so much energy that they can't get out right now. We've been trying to get outside when we can but the snow is so deep that they can't even play in it, plus it's so cold! Logan has developed quite a temper and loves to push Evan's buttons. He has started throwing things and hitting when he doesn't get his way. That has been earning him more timeouts. He is also still really sweet, always wanting to snuggle and play. If I am crying or upset, he always gives me a hug and says "I don't want you to cry, Mommy" or "I miss Gramma." Evan has been acting out more and more and was even difficult the other day at school. I'm at a loss for what to do with him but we took away every toy from him yesterday and now he has to earn them back. I know that part of it is everything that has been going on here but part of it is just him testing. I'm hoping that this phase is short lived and that I can have my sweet, fun boy back because our days are numbered. Evan is registered for kindergarten and Logan is signed up for Tuesday-Thursday preschool next year!! It's crazy how quickly time passes but it will be nice to have some time to myself. Wish we could just chat on the phone for those 5 hours!!

Me...I've been not myself. I haven't worked out consistently since before Christmas and I have a hard time getting things done at home. The weather doesn't help and just makes me want to crawl up in a ball and sleep all day. I'm hoping that after our trip to Florida things will be a bit easier. I bought a really cute pair of flip flops the other day and am excited to wear them when we visit Dad. Wish we could go to Beall's together. I've been dying to shop! Bruce and I went to PPAC to see the Indigo Girls for my birthday. We had a drink and an appetizer at Providence Coal Fired Pizza before the show and then went back there after for some pizza and drinks. I ran into Nisa at the show. She hasn't changed one bit! She was asking for you. She hadn't heard the news.

Not too much else. We had a good time at the Super Bowl Party at Dan and Karin's and were excited to see the Pats win, even though it wasn't looking good for a while. We took Bumpa out to dinner to Ruby Tuesday's the night before his birthday and I've been calling him about once a week to check in. He seems to be doing ok. It looks like Jack is going to be able to sell his house, which everyone is happy about. I've been helping Dad with the bills and online banking. He's really concerned about messing something up but he's been doing ok so far. He'll find his way. He's been staying busy in Fort Myers and seeing quite a few people. I worry about him but I know you'll keep an eye on him and make sure he's ok.

I've had a tough week with Dad going back to Florida and especially the last few days. I look at the windows to your room in ICU every time I drive by the hospital. I know you aren't there but I just can't seem to help it. I keep thinking that I wish I never left on the afternoon of the 3rd. I don't know what would have been different if I hadn't but I still wish I hadn't. Part of me keeps thinking that one of these times when I go to your house, you'll greet us at the door or be in the family room playing solitaire. I know you won't be but oh how I wish you would be! I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much I will always cherish our relationship. Keep me strong, Mom! I need you! I love you!

Some photos and video from the last month including celebrating my birthday and Valentine's Day

The 9:10 Phone Call That Never Came

Every year for probably the last 17 years, at exactly 9:10 am on February 13th, my Mom would call me.  You see I was born on February 13th, 1979 at 9:10 am.  For the first 18 years of my life, I was at home for my birthday but then once I went to college and beyond, she would call.  Before cell phones, she would leave a message on my home phone or call my work phone.  Once I had a cell phone and couldn't really be reached during the day when I was teaching, she would call my cell and leave a message.  More recently, since I was home with the boys, I would wait for that phone call, always knowing that it would come right at 9:10...never 9:09 and never 9:11. Well this year that phone call never came.

Actually it did...but this time it was Dad that called.  He knew Mom's ritual and he picked up right where she left off.  I can already hear him saying "Oh, right, what am I?  Chopped liver?" but he will be the first to tell you, it's just different.  I am truly appreciative of the fact that he did call.  That right at 9:10 the phone rang as I was looking at my phone, going through old voicemails that Mom had left, wondering if I happened to have an old birthday message.  I am thankful that right at 9:10 Mom's photo appeared on my phone with the words "incoming call from Mom & Dad".  We talked and cried for a few minutes together, knowing that today would be a tough day for me.

As I went through the day, I recalled birthdays past.  When I was in elementary school, I had perfect attendance from Kindergarten through 6th grade. I am assuming that absences due to illnesses were excused because I don't think that I really NEVER MISSED A DAY.  We would celebrate my birthday with both family and friend parties.  The family party was usually a "fancy" dinner in the dining room with a meal of my choosing for Mom, Dad, Dan and I.  Many years Papa & Grandma and Gramma & Bumpa would join us.  I remember Strawberry Shortcake (the character not the dessert) and Rainbow Bright cakes and feeling so grown up, eating in the dining room!  The friend parties were usually roller skating parties or the famous Diane Kavanagh sleepovers, where 10 or so girls would sleepover.  We'd watch movies, style each others hair, do makeovers...you know, typical girl stuff.

Once I was in junior high and high school, I always took my birthday out of school.  Just ask Dan.  He always says "Yeah, Diane apparently didn't have to go to school on her birthday."  I was a good student and didn't miss many days so I would take my special day off and Mom and I would spend the day together as "girls are girls", a phrase Mom coined when I was quite young to refer to our time together, just the two of us.  We would go shopping and go to lunch.  We would often buy a few things, never a crazy big shopping spree, but more of the perfect chance to spend some uninterrupted time together.  It was THE BEST!!

When I was in college, my parents would come to WPI to take me out to dinner, usually to Peppercorn's or The Boynton or I would head home to RI for dinner there.  Sometimes it was on my birthday, other times it was a few days before or a few days after.  The Sunday that I turned 21, Mom and Dad came up to take me to the Sole Proprietor for dinner.  I had been out late the night before, ordering my first "legal" drinks and I remember feeling just terrible!  I made it through and appreciated the time we had together.

I remember turning 25 and having just a terrible day!  Bruce and I had been married for about 5 months and due to our current job situations, we were living in two different states.  I was also having a hard time being in my mid-20s, a quarter of a century old.  I remember sitting on the bed in Dan's old room at "home" and just crying and crying while Mom was there to comfort me in anyway she could and mostly just there was hugs!  After I finished my pity party, we went shopping and to lunch which made things better.

For my last 8 birthdays, Mom and Dad have been in Fort Myers so even though I didn't get to see them, I always spoke with them and really looked forward to my 9:10 phone call.  Knowing that I will never again hear Mom's voice on the other end of the phone say "Hi dahlin' girl!  Happy birthday!" is extremely difficult for me.  But then I think about all of the amazing memories that I do have of the 35 birthdays that I did celebrate with Mom and I smile.  I am so thankful for the time that we did have, especially when you consider that Mom was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension when I was just 8 months old and that she didn't think that "my baby will even know me."  Well, Mom, I knew you and love you so much!!  Thank you for helping me create so many wonderful memories!  I love you!

I will still look forward to the 9:10 phone call on my birthday but just in a slightly different way...from Dad!  Don't forget, Dad!  I know you never would!  Thank you so much for calling and continuing to love me the way that Mom always did!  Love you!

Snow Ice Cream and Snow Dough

Because what else can you do with 6 feet of snow in 3 weeks...

You make snow ice cream with sprinkles and use play-dough tools to play with the snow inside!!

Anything to keep us from going crazy with all the days we have been cooped up lately.

Rainbow Foam

I haven't been a very good mom lately.  Well, let me rephrase that...I haven't been a very hands on, present mom lately.  And while I think everyone, except maybe Evan and Logan, would totally understand why, it is still bothering me.  I have been very distracted and absent even when I am physically present.  I have saved lots of links to fun things to do with kids when you are cooped up inside in the cold, snowy winter but that is as far as it has gone.  The execution has been greatly lacking and there has been an awful lot of this...

Playing games on Mommy's phone

...and this...

Playing games on the tablet

...and this...

Mid-day movie time

This afternoon, I decided to change that.  (Truth be told, the boys had already watched a bit of TV this morning while I took care of a few other things.)
We had lunch, bundled up and headed outside to play in the snow.  We were out for a bit over an hour, which is a long time these days.  Once we came back in and after having a snack (these boys do nothing but eat these days!), the boys worked in their workbooks for a while.  Evan was working on identifying beginning sounds and identifying capital and lower case letter pairs.  Logan was searching for all of the similar objects and then counting them.
Then it was 4:30 pm...Logan wasn't going to take a nap, we had already watched a decent amount of TV this morning...what were we going to do until dinner???  That is when I decided it was time to execute!  This...we were going to do this!  Our rainbow foam didn't look quite as fluffy and cool but the boys still had fun.  Who knows maybe I'll have enough motivation to do another similar activity in the coming days.



This video isn't overly exciting but I just love Evan's sweet face at the end when he is looking right at the camera.

We Were Blessed

Hard to believe that three weeks have already passed...

Here are the beautiful words that Dad spoke at Mom's funeral...such strength, such love!

We Were Blessed

For a man who is seldom at a loss for words, I find myself now totally at a loss for the greatest joy one could ever know.

People who knew Debbie, loved her.  She was my rock.  She was without a doubt the strongest person I ever knew.  She loved life and lived life as fully as she possibly could.  We have a wonderful family who she molded in her love and goodness.  She made me the man I am.  Not by telling me how best to do things but by subtle suggestions and then letting me think it was my idea.  

She, with a little help from me, raised two incredible children, Dan and Diane, who really display her strength, her wisdom, her caring for others, but most of all her love.  She – We are so proud!  

Debbie loved to sing.  She had a beautiful voice.  Very often when we were home alone (she never wanted attention), we would sing duets.  One of our favorites was by James Ingram “How Do You Keep The Music Playing?”  The words go:

How do you keep the music playing?

How do you make it last?

How do you keep the song from fading too fast?

If we can be the best of lovers

Yet be the best of friends

If we can try everyday to make it better

Then I suppose the music never ends

Throughout our 43 years together, I was the lucky one.  As far as we were concerned, we got to live one of the “greatest love stories ever”.  I'm sure others might disagree but no one loved their spouses as much as we did.  As I cry and ache and feel sorry for loved ones, I know she is saying, “I'm fine.  I'm fine.  Don't worry.  Take care of yourself and the kids.”  She would want that.  But I will still always not be whole again.

I love you, sweetheart!



Mom and Dad through the years...

Sledding at Papa & Gramma's

We have been spending a lot of time at Papa & Gramma's house lately, helping Papa with a variety of things, and there is certainly plenty of snow so why not enjoy it and go sledding!!!  I only wish Gramma was here to see the smiles on the monkeys faces and hear the giggles coming from their bellies!



Evan sleds


I just get buried