At Your House

Hi Mom. It’s me. I’m at your house, sitting in the family room, wearing your Kennebunkport pink sweatshirt. I came here because I need to work on my thesis and portfolio and I thought it would be easier to work here without the distractions of the kids and the internet but it’s not. I’m having trouble getting motivated and staying focused, today and lately. It’s not like me but my mind just keeps wandering, thinking of you. I think of all the things I want to tell you and at the same time can’t think of a single thing. What did we talk about for hours and hours? What were those things that were so important that I just had to tell you? None of it seems important now without you. It was just our thing, our time, our chats. I loved sharing everything with you, even the silly little, unimportant things.
 I feel like there are so many things the boys do now that I don’t notice in quite the same way because I don’t have you to tell them to. Maybe I do notice them but I don’t relay them to anyone so I forget them more quickly. I don’t know quite what it is but I do know that no one cares quite the way you did. I can tell other people but it’s just not the same.
I have so many things that I want to do, that I should do, that I need to do and yet I can’t bring myself to do any of it. I know you would be telling me right now to take it easy, not to be so hard on myself, that it will all get done. I just wish I could hear your voice one more time.
I want to be excited about spring coming. Today is a beautiful day…The kind of day where you would sit in the sun in the backyard in a terry-cloth romper and “take a tan”. I want to be excited about you and Dad spending your last few weeks in Florida before coming home for the summer. I want to be excited about all of the pool days that we will have this summer. But it’s all just so hard. I am so thankful for the time that we did have and for the things we were able to do together but I wish so badly for more…more time, more laughs, more smiles, more special moments with you. I love you and miss you so much!