The days before Mom passed were long and hard, filled with worry, tears, heartache and sadness. Strangely enough, however, the days after weren't as hard as I expected them to be. We made the arrangements for Mom's funeral rather quickly and for the next few days we were fully in planning and organizing mode. The day of the funeral came and I was dreading it. I had visions of myself being a total mess all day. Instead, I was overcome with such love and support that I could never have imagined. So, so many people came to pay their respects to Mom and to express their sympathy to us. Childhood friends, former co-workers, extended family, in-laws, high school and college friends, family and life long friends. It was amazing to see and experience such love! Everyone telling stories of Mom or saying how sweet, kind, beautiful, loving, caring...the list goes on and on...she was. It really made the day much easier than I expected it to be. Even Sunday and Monday, after the service, after we'd said goodbye for the last time, were easier than I expected. We watched the Patriots win the AFC championship game together at Dan and Karin's on Sunday. Then Monday, I helped Dad sort through some bills, receipts and paperwork, before having late lunch with Dan. We were all together, remembering, crying, laughing and smiling.
Then it came...Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday.... Things were returning to "normal". People were heading back to work and school, there was nothing left to plan, life was moving on. No way! Not in my book! How could I be expected to just pick up and move on? No one was asking me to pretend that this was all just a bad dream, although I wish it was, but it was time to start moving forward a little bit and accepting this "new reality". Well it sucked! I spent much of last week in a fog. Wandering around aimlessly, having so many things to do but not being able to accomplish any of them. Simple tasks were seemingly impossible. I was still experiencing a huge outpouring of love from so many people which helped but the days and nights were quite challenging.
After spending part or all of everyday for nearly three weeks in Rhode Island with Mom, Dad and Dan, I was home with the boys and Leni on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday was Leni's last day in MA so I went to RI to help Dad a bit more without distractions. Just being with Dad helped me so much. There are times when I'm not sure if we are good or bad for each other because we are both missing Mom so much but I also know that's just what we need right now. He's the closest thing I have to Mom right now so I'm holding on tightly!
Thursday night when Bruce took Leni to the airport was extremely difficult for me. Leni had been here for two weeks and was a godsend! She took care of so many things...cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing...Not to mention taking such great care of Evan and Logan in our absence. I don't know what we would have done without her help. But now that she was heading home to WA, it was like the last thing that was returning to "normal".
Friday was ok. Evan had school and Bruce dropped him off so I could have time to get the day started a bit slower. When I picked him up, we headed to Papa & Gramma's house for the afternoon and evening. We had a nice visit with Glenn and I think it helped Papa to have the boys there for a while.
The weekend was tough again. With a to-do list miles long and an inability to focus on anything, the time slipped away. I was missing Mom so much and just couldn't bring myself to continue as if nothing had changed.
Monday, Mom's birthday, was easier again. Dad came up to help out with the boys so that I could attend Evan's teacher conferences. In the afternoon, I helped Dad with some online banking, something that is totally new to him. Monday would have been Mom's 63rd birthday and while I was sad that she wasn't there with us, the day wasn't as hard as I would have thought it would be.
I guess that is the lesson in all of this. There will be good times and bad, there will be happy times and sad. Day by day, step by step, we will all find a way to carry on. We will never quite be whole but we will never forget for one minute the love that we shared.
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