Ladybugs and Nothing to Say

I have never really solidified my thoughts on the afterlife.  I don't really know what I believe on what happens when people leave this world as we know it.  For obvious reasons, I have been giving it more thought as of late and I can honestly say that I haven't been able to come to any conclusions.  I would like to believe that our loved ones can see us and hear us and that they are smiling down with pride and that we will all be together again but I can't be totally sure.  However, there are a few things of which I am sure...Kind of.

Ladybugs!
My mom loved ladybugs.  I have vivid memories of her getting excited when she found a ladybug and watching them crawl over her hands with perfectly painted pink fingernails for long periods of time.  I remember Mom telling me how they tickled her and then gently transferring the ladybug to my hand.
In the past two weeks, the ladybugs who live in our house have been quite active.  I know it is rare to see a ladybug at this time of year but we have some who "move in" on unseasonably warm days in late fall and generally hibernate (yes, ladybugs do hibernate. Curious George taught me that!) in the high corners of the stairwell heading upstairs.  However, in the past two weeks, our ladybugs have been all over.
The first one I noticed on Saturday, January 17th.  I went to the phone to call Dad to check in before heading down to RI to pick him up for Mom's funeral service.  Sitting on top of the phone was a ladybug.  I gently removed it from the phone, made the call and didn't think anything of it.
The next one I noticed on Tuesday, January 20th.  This was the first day of this "new reality".  Until now, we had been in business mode - spending time at the hospital for two weeks, making arrangements for Mom's funeral, greeting visitors, organizing gatherings, etc.  But Tuesday everyone was returning to work, school, etc and we were all moving on...sort of.  I had a very difficult day and when I sat down on the couch that night alone to watch TV, I found that I wasn't alone.  There was a ladybug crawling on the arm of the couch to my right, up and down, up and down.  Then it went across the back of the couch to a pillow on my left and just hung out there for a while.  I began to think of Mom and her love of ladybugs and found myself wondering if this was her coming back to check up on me and let me know she is here.
The third one I noticed on Wednesday, January 21st, one week after Mom passed away.  This time the ladybug was hanging out on the windowsill in my bathroom upstairs while I was doing my makeup and drying my hair.  It was then that I really began to feel that yes, this was Mom's way of letting me know that she is OK and is still all around us.
Since then I have seen ladybugs on windowsills, tables, couches, etc.  All around in the house when they typically stay put in the corners of the stairwell until the weather is warm.  Can I be sure that this has something to do with Mom?  No.  But does it make it easier to deal with losing her and missing her so?  Yes!

Nothing to Say
Mom and I could talk on the phone for hours...literally hours and then get off the phone, remember things we forgot to say, call each other back and talk some more.  We sometimes would call back 2 or 3 times and then not call back again even though we remembered something else we wanted to say because we had already talked so long.  Plus, we knew that we'd talk again soon...more than likely, the next day!  We talked on the phone so much that every time the phone rang or if I grabbed the phone or  if Logan saw the phone on the couch or table, he'd say, "I want to talk to Gramma".
I have been finding it hard not being able to pick up the phone and call Mom whenever I want to.  Logan has even asked a few times to call Gramma.  Oh, how I wish we could, buddy!  I have so much I want to tell her!  Or do I??
People have been telling me that I can still talk to her, it's not quite the same, but that Mom is there and can hear me.  So I have tried but I find myself with nothing to say.  How can that be?  How can it be that I could talk to her for over an hour, call back 2-3 times, talk for another 30+ minutes, repeat it again day after day and always have something to say?  And yet, I haven't spoken with her since January 3rd and I have nothing to say?
I've tried to think of stories to tell her about what the boys are doing or cute things they have said and I come up virtually blank.   I try to think about all the things that have been going on here and...nothing!
Is it because she already knows what is going on here?  Does she already hear and see the cute things the boys see and do?  Again, I can't be sure but I sure hope that she can!  Mom loved Evan, Logan, Danny and Sean so much that I sure hope she can continue to watch them grow and learn and achieve as they get older.
So maybe with time, I will be able to talk to Mom more and have things to tell her.  But maybe I don't really need to because she already knows...

While I am not exactly sure where Mom is or whether or not she can hear me or see what we are doing, this I do know for sure.  I am so thankful for the time that I had with her and appreciate all of the things that she taught me during that time.  I am so proud of who she was and the woman I have become because of her.  I am glad that when I look in the mirror or see photos of me, I also see her.  I know that she is the best friend I will ever have and that we will always be "girls are girls".